Archive for the ‘the maine’ Category

the hardest part

July 20, 2010

is definitely watching yourself fade away. i waste away. a lot. and for reasons i’ll probably never understand. i have to be honest. i can’t even bunch my words together right now. why i’m so moody i don’t really know. why i fucking curse so often now, i can’t particularly say. i know i’m lucky but actually feeling it is soo different. there’s so much i want to do and achieve, but i just feel like i bite off more than i can chew almost all the time. and it sucks feeling that way. it’s terrifying feeling it everyday. and it’s pathetic to see myself with no motivation. i honestly don’t know what’ll motivate me…i watched a tv show today on mtv called “if you really knew me.” and for the first few people who talked i cried and afterwards i just got shivers. am i heartless? i truly felt insensitive? maybe because all the shit that has happened to them, i feel like that exists around me too. it wasn’t shocker, the way i needed it to be. i felt cruel and heartless. and at the same time, i wondered why i couldn’t bawl the way my sister could.

but i bawled yesterday listening to a song.

i feel like things just don’t process through my head. i always just sit on my lazy ass doing nothing. nothing. nothing at all. and that’s just time passing by. and it makes me feel worthless. why don’t i do anything? why can’t i just take my life a little more seriously? maybe i’m not ready to grow up, but i sure as hell can’t live the rest of my life doing whatever the hell i’m doing right now. cuz i’m doing shit. that’s exactly what it is. and i hate how terrible my language is these days. i don’t censor myself. i say fuck like its part of the alphabet. that wasn’t me before….

another sidenote.. the maine makes me so damn proud. they really do. now it’s just time to make myself proud. because right now….there’s not much to see here. i’m like a rest stop. it’s no tourist site.

Oh it’s safe to say I knew it, yeah I knew it all along
Asking the same questions, singing the same songs
I’ve been gone for a while, been traveling along
Searching for a new life when I already had my own
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
On every road
Yeah it’s safe to say I knew that all the selfish things I’d do
Would eventually come creeping back around
Oh way back when you called me young, said we’re innocent and dumb
I knew that you’d come creeping back around again
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
On every road
Huh
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones (So lucky baby)
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
On every road

-the maine

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and then there’s hope

July 7, 2010

i don’t think i’ve been under that much tension and pressure in a long time. yesterday night was crazy. i found out david couldn’t go to the maine concert that he bought me and karen tickets to for our birthdays. that was a bummer. but sophia was able to go. and so we thought we had it all set. until we couldn’t find the ticket for sophia. cuz david never received the email with the ticket pdf after he got the confirmation. so we kept on sending confirmation emails continually thinking it would help.. but it didn’t. it was such an fml moment. and then i sent a support request thingy at like 11 o clock at night. and i tried calling. but nobody responded…which makes sense cuz it’s so late at night. and i was just completely messed up. so i cried and cried and hoped and prayed last night. i was soo hopeless and i felt terrible. i had no idea what to do. i convinced my dad to let us go and now we were missing a ticket.

so i woke up this morning feeling terrible. just hoping to god that i can call them and sort things out by just bringing the email of confirmation. so i went to my college planning class and afterwards i called them. first a lady picked up and she said that i had to find out if david used the print at home or pick up option for the tickets. so i called david and it was the print at home. so i called slims again. and a guy responded and said that i just had to get a photocopy of david’s id and his consent saying that he bought the tickets for us. so then i was like HALLELUJAH!!! and excited and everything. and then i started planning how i was supposed to get to david’s house. to get the stuff….but i checked his email and there it was. three emails. they responded to my support request thingy at 10 in the morning. and i was so grateful. i opened it. and there they were. the three tickets. THREEE. the missing one was found. and i printed it out. and now i’m excited. but it’s ridiculous. the stuff i went through for the maine. god i love them. and i know that it’ll be worth it.

sidenote: i still haven’t finished learning the songs for tonight…..oh well

but i’m just thinking to myself, why did things turn out this way.. i guess i’ll never know. but i have to say. i’m not useless. i called. i made it happen. and i didn’t let my parents down. didn’t tell them anything that was going on. and honestly i think what made it possible and come true was my positivity. i hoped for the best. maybe it was also ignorance on my part. i didn’t want to believe that all of it was for nothing. i couldn’t but maybe that’s one of my strengths. for a long time i’ve put the biggest front i’ve ever known. yes i’ll be strong. i’ll be capable. and i can do it. but sometimes i can’t. and i pretend all the time. it’s a sense of comfort i guess. i’m not sure. but i proved to myself that things happen for a reason. and that when you push a little it works. that i’m not useless.

this summer has tested me in so many ways. i was looking for colleges to put on my college list. oh god. oh god. it was overwhelming. to think of how many portfolio pieces i have to create. that it’s not only the portfolio. that i have an essay. maybe the gpa and the sat’s arent as important but they still look at it all. and i don’t even know if i want to aim for ucla. i will have to. but that mean’s this slacker style i’ve been living in for the past few weeks needs to go out the window. there isn’t any time for this anymore. i have to be motivated. and it’s not because i have to. but also because i want to. it should be this way. there should be a balance of loving to do something and having a satisfying outcome because of it too. i’m always so unorganized and lazy and uncaring that it’s ugly. it’s soo irresponsible. i feel terrible that i’ve possessed this side to me for so long. that my parents and my family have had to deal with this type of daughter…it’s a little shameful. they’ve never pushed me in that way and i can’t even push myself. it’s an edge toward pathetic. and i don’t want that to happen. i don’t want to be that person. because i know i deserve better. and so does everyone else around me.

we aren’t hopeless. we’re just misguided and that’s life. we need to find the right direction for each and everyone of us.

hesitation is taking a breather

June 15, 2010

and i’m moving forward. you know that rush you get when relief washes all over you? when you can finally exhale without having to worry about whether or not what you’re inhaling is right? i feel that all over me. and i think i’m ready to continue on.

“growing up won’t bring us down” -the maine

three things

May 4, 2010

maybe more. but right now thats what revolving around my head.

“i see your eyes, you’re barely sober” – the maine