Archive for November, 2010

light me up like dynamite

November 29, 2010

today i think i was burning stressed. i literally sat in my tutoring class just finding a way out. i might have ended up applying to the wrong major for ucsb. THATS SO EFFED UP. i honestly couldn’t believe myself. i did all the research earlier in the year for my contemp lit class and i was decided that i wanted to apply to ucsb’s art program. and i did. TO THE WRONG COLLEGE. i applied to college of creative studies rather than college of letters and science. and it sucks because now i have to do more work. but i’m still undecided on what to do. i’m going to talk to ak tomorrow and ask him about that. and afterwards i might end up calling the ucsb’s admissions office and follow up with an email. i dont know how i could’ve been so careless. i honestly don’t. and it just makes me so ashamed of myself, that i didn’t process it clearly enough.

on another note, my bra underwire broke today while i was adjusting my bra. it was one of the stupidest things i’ve ever seen happen. i really liked that calvin klein bra too. karen said it brings memories so i shouldn’t throw it away……. LOL

i finished my FIT essay today and started the SUNY application already….i guess i’m mostly there.

ok and now the deep thought starts and comes in. i havent shared my thanks yet, which i will do very soon. actually maybe i’ll just do it right now.

THANKS

jessica: i’ve always been somewhat terrible to you. whether it’s hitting you or bothering you or just annoying the crap out of you, you deal. i don’t know why but you do. and that’s one of the reasons i’m so grateful for you. you’re the best sister in the world. and yes we argue about the dumbest things like rap music but i love you and i love that you are still a little girl in my eyes. this year, i’ve cried a lot. i’ve been a mess and i’ve made plenty mistakes but you were there for me. just letting me cry on you, laughing when i needed laughing, sharing music, whatever it was. it was definitely the antidote i needed at that time. thank you lil sis. i love you.

karen: little bundle of -nessnessness. LOL i don’t know what that even meant. i’m really grateful for you friendship. honestly and wholeheartedly. you still don’t realize that your presence is enough. i hate that you feel that i’ll leave. i don’t ever want you to feel that. because you are my best friend for good reason. we’ve been way too many ups and downs this year, but we’ve made it this far and i know we’ll keep going. i’m sure that all the hurt you’ve been bottling won’t keep you down for as long as you expect it will. and hey, maybe it’s already hid itself away from you. i think this year was a big growth for us. and i love you, best friend.

swon: oh the little lovely. i don’t know what it is, but i feel like we’ve been attacked and challenged this year way too many times. someone needs to realize that our hearts can’t handle this overexcessive stress. i’m so sure we’ll be ok, as cheesy and overdone as it sounds. thanks for being supportive and random when i needed it. for all of us, our laughs was what made this part of 2010 so memorable and so comfortable. we’ve grown into each other’s skins…..as odd as that sounds, it’s true. i love you for being you, even if you aren’t sure you can do it yet. we are best friends.

the movies, the sleepovers, the concert, the shopping, the crying sessions, the coffee breaks, the books, the music, COLLEGE, everything that happened in the year 2010 was for good reason. we just need a lil time to see what it was all for.

liane: oh dear you are a sincere sweetheart. and as swon would say, a worrywart. but no worries, i got your back. your friendship is one of the good parts of this year. thank you for whenever i needed to rant or just talk or laugh. it’s good to have your company. it’s relaxing, really. i hope you see that i’m here for you too. we ARE friends. no lie no lie no lie. just love.

thanks to all of my sister’s friends, not that you’d ever read this. i do believe that you guys made me happy and laugh a lot.

thanks for just letting me lean on your shoulder when i was just getting frustrated. for making time even though you were busy. for letting me know it’s ok that i do feel crazy sometimes and i do need to let it out. it’s not wrong to not smile anymore when i just can’t smile. thanks for being there. it truly means a lot to me.

old friend, i do miss you. but when you’re there, it’s alright. thanks for being that “protector” lol. love you.

love you mommy and daddy. you guys are wonderful parents. i’d hate to ever let you down.i hope to never. i really do you love and appreciate you guys.

and fall into my bed, don’t fight a little love to get you through. – cash cash

don’t forget

November 15, 2010

i’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately. you know when someone mentions something to you, and you end up having a dream about it because it was just in the history of that day? i had one of those yesterday night. my sister was talking about her godbrother being in san jose and san francisco and then i had a dream about him sprawled on our living room floor. super short dream, i’m guessing, but that’s all i can remember. and today when i took a nap it was literally a nightmare. i don’t know how to explain it. i was at this place. and someone starts mocking me and like ridiculing me (why? i’m not exactly sure) but i was furious and i remember yelling and i think i flipped them off.  it was so unexpected and now that i look back on it, i’m a bit ashamed. never in my life have i ever held my middle finger at anyone, i may say bad words but i mustve been completely ENRAGED to do such a thing. that person was just so hurtful, i couldn’t believe anything coming out of their mouth. their rudeness over-exceeded anything i’ve ever encountered and i was just shocked. anywhoss…..

i’ve been really tired lately. it’s like i catch up on sleep for one day/night and then i end up just taking that time i made up and wasting it again, not sleeping. it’s kind of a failed practice but whatever. it’ll be over soon, i’m sure. my finger feels a lot better. i can’t believe just a couple days ago i sprained it….hopefully it’s on a healthy recovery (it should be, i’m typing with it right now…)

i want to go to harry potter so badly…even the theme song has been stuck in my head several times.

we’re forever young. we’re forever young. we’re forever young.

beyond

November 11, 2010

prepare for a whole lotta swearing cuz im about to cuss the world out. ok here goes:

what right do you even have to say those things? you know what? fuck you. fuck you. but wait no one wants to fuck you. because really you’re not even worth it. you know i always believed that when you hate someone it’s cuz you care about them. but right now i’m just upset. i don’t even want to decide how i feel about you because really?  i think you’ve become a waste of everyone’s time. i’m through. seriously through. there’s no point in even hoping that you would wake up from this pathetic life you live and start seeing the real damn shit you’ve harmed and caused. no one’s gonna pick up your fucking pieces. and really, who do you have? please. actually i don’t even want to know about who you care about. cuz i can list it for you. YOU. you selfish bitch. you wallow in your own self-pity and need everyone to baby you and protect you and make things ok for you. your life is not that fucking hard to live, especially after you see what you’ve done to others. how do you live with yourself? i was sooo ready to just stop talking bad things about you, for the sake of others. who wants to hear about how two-faced you are, or how you put on a fucking fake mask and act like everything’s ok? nobody does. and i was so ready to just stop. you had me at the point where you were a complete stranger. you know why i avoid you? it’s not cuz i’m afraid, not cuz it’s awkward….it’s cuz i can’t stand to see who i used to be associated with. you. i can’t believe i let myself buy into all this bullshit for so long. and i can’t believe i let you hurt the people i love. and obviously you’re too shallow and (kill me for saying this) stupid. this is beyond everything you’ve done. you’ve hurt people, lied to people, pretended to people, and much more. but this…this pretense you’re living in. this act you’re putting on. and this heart you pretend to have? no one’s gonna believe. no one’s gonna fucking believe in your bullshit words. only the people who know the fake you can buy it. but really? that’s like all of you.. and i’m sure nobody knows that. cuz you put on a fucking facade and this is not ok. this is not acceptable. take all the words you typed or wrote or thought and shove it down your fucking hopeless throat. cuz it turns out you need all of us WAY fucking more than we’ve ever needed you.

i’m sorry that i’ve had to say so many harsh and cruel words. but i’m letting, once and for all. i’m not turning back. this just went way too far.

FUCK YOU

i cant think

November 6, 2010

what? i just can’t and i’m scared and i thought things would turn out but this isn’t how it’s working is it? i feel fucking terrible and i’m having trouble breathing. so me tearing up in the bathroom wasn’t nothing. i didn’t even read that at first, i was just sad and i’m not sure why but i was. and now this. and i can’t focus. and my eyes are glazed over with water and i’m blasting music like fuck and and. what? just what? i’ve been so caught up in the randomest shit and i haven’t even paid attention to what was really going on. and i don’t know. i’m still lost and stuck at the question “what?” the why’s are running through my head but even i can answer that myself. the everything, just…i don’t know. and i’m scared

distractions

November 3, 2010

so today i was really….idk i guess you can say STRONGLY PISSED that i wasnt able to go to the giants parade. i dont think a lot of people understood it. it’s like a once in a lifetime thing…how can you pass on an offer like that? it just doesnt make sense. there will only be the FIRST WORLD SERIES PARADE IN SAN FRANCISCO. there will be no other first. and my mom wasnt willing to let me go at first until she calls me about an hour and a half after the parade has already started and says that she regrets not letting me go. i went crazy. i went ballistic i tell you…just plain aldsgkja;dlkgja. and the thing is i was glad people tried distracting me. idk at the same time i was just feeling so….upset. like really. i dont knkow. i would give anything to redo this day and just get to go. like seirously i wouldve seen timmy and posey and bumgarner and wilson and cain and ross and huff and uribe and renteria and everyone. EVERYONE. and yeaa.

anywhos thats my big news for the day. but i think i want to talk about john. i dont know. i know i will never meet someone real like him. yes he’s good looking and talented but i think its the fact that he’s so humble. and so oblivious. people make him sound cocky or whatever, but all i can see is his sincerity and his kindness. i think his voice seeps into your soul. and it just shakes you, it makes you want to be alive, more alive than you’ve ever been. i don’t know if i’ve ever truly explained why i like him. some parts are unexplainable. he’s one of those people who is so flawed it’s admirable. from his past, i’ve seen that he isn’t who he is now. i respect him so much and how much change he has gone through. i want that. i want.