Archive for October, 2010

ANOTHER CRAZY DREAM

October 30, 2010

SO THIS IS MY OTHER DREAM THAT I HAD TO TYPE UP THIS MORNING AT 7 AM IN CASE I’D FORGET IT. I PUT IT IN MY IPOD AT FIRST.

we were at my moms office and we were celebrating someones birthday and
then it turned into like my sister’s godmother’s house and like she was watching
drama and mitchell was there and I was originally gonna talk to him
but he ended up leaving when we had tons of ppl coming over to
celebrate. then me and Karen ad Swon decided to go outside for some
reason and we were walking. there happened to be this guy in front of
us and then I realized it was timmy. i pointed to him and told Karen
and so we continued walking. and after a while I felt stalkerish so I
was about to head back until he turned around and he said “are you
following me?” and I sad like…”no” but then I lost my mind I guess
ad went up to him and asked for a hug and an autograph. he said sure
but I realized I didn’t have anything for him to sign. so then he
started taking off something on his hand and I wasn’t sure what it was
but suddenly there was a blue mitten he took off. he handed it to me
and took off the other one. he slipped them both on my hands and told
me to keep warm. and then that’s when I realized there were lots of
people coming out. I meant to be quick but he told me to close my
eyes. he placed my hands together and kinda had me lace my fingers
through each other. I felt my breath against his chest and I was just
waiting till he told me to open my eyes.  he asked “what were you
mouthing?” and I was like nothin I didn’t say anything and he made me
close my eyes again and then I woke up.

and i knew that right before i woke up, timmy was gonna give me a kiss. I WAS GONNA GET A KISS FROM TIMMYYYYYY (aka tim lincecum the baseball pitcher for the giants)

weirdest dream ever

October 29, 2010

so basically i had the weirdest dream in the world. i was like cleaning because we had this thing. but it was all connected in a weird way. i was at the school and these people were preparing to perform. and so was like drumline and stuff and i was like -________- ok…..and then i went to the p.e. locker rooms which was like remodelled or something and then it turned into this lounge area that had like sofas and beds and a whole bunch of cool shizzz….and i was just super confused. oh wait before all this. i aws like talking to karen and it was a link crew thingy…..and like for some strange reason karen was like “i’m pissed off at mitchell” and i was like “WHAT?” and she was like yea…. he has this hickey on his ear. and i was like what the….. and then afterwards i was curious so i slapped his head in an angle where i could see it and then i saw it and i was like ok wahtever. so i headed to the locker room/lounge area and like i was hanging out until patrick came. and i was like. ok…. this is weird. he was like patting my knee continuously kinda like what he used to do in 9th grade (bothering me nonstop) and then i was like patting his hand and then i left. and then i went to do laundry… (I KNOW SUPER WEIRD). but technically while i was napping i was supposed to be doing laundry so maybe it was some type of subconscious thingymabob. so that happend. and i went to do laundry and out of nowhere max shows up. and he’s like “you don’t have to care for us.” and i was like “SAY WHAT?! i’m doing my laundry what the hell does that have to do with anything -___- ” and then afterwards i headed back but i’m not quite sure what happend then. i remember people were still lounging.. and i think i made robert piggyback me back into the locker room. it was weird because this was all like connected in the oddest ways. and i remember i was supposed to be mad at robert and stuff or something along those lines. but i headed back to the laundry room thing and like there were like 5 laundry machines and i was like HOLY SHIT THIS IS INTENSE. i can do like five batches at a time. hahahah xD like a laundromat. but then i turn and its like this living room. and it’s max’s living room (something i have never seen in my life) and like his dad was sleeping on the couch and his dad was like sleep talking but the dad looked nothing like what the dads supposed to look in real life. so earlier when i saw max i was like uhh you look different and stuff. and then after i saw him in his living room he looked sooo diffferent. SOO GOODLOOKING I cANNOT LIE. he had both his ears pierced, something that just completely shocked me. and thne like i dont know what it was but he looked a lot like this guy on the show victorious where tori used to date this guy and her friend started dating him after they broke up. and yea. it was weird. he looked really good. and it was just odd. but at the same time it made me miss people and how it just died off while time passes. because time doesn’t stop for anyone.

events that rise up and down

October 28, 2010

yes i fucked up and i got a 490 on sat ii math. do i care? not as much as i should. do i feel hurt? yes. i’m not bitter, really i’m not. i know i messed up terribly and i know it’s because i decided to wing it. i know i didn’t study and i know i didn’t know how to use the calculator until a day before the test. i know all of that. i know how disappointed everyone would be. i know that after i told robert about how badly i did, he felt better about his score. i know how after i told roger he was surprised but didn’t say anything of it, and was really supportive and all that shiz. i know that i must be really careless to get that many wrong on the sats. i know that i should’ve tried harder. i know that if i can’t do this well i won’t be able to get into some of the colleges i want to go to. i know all of that.

but you know what else i know?

i know that there are more important things in life than this score. but i know i won’t get anywhere without that score. I KNOW THAT THE GIANTS FUCKING WON 9 to 0 tonight. i know that we beat them so badly, we’re gonna sweep it all. i know that we defied odds today. i know that the baseball gods were on our side.. i know that it was supposed to rain but it didn’t and it wasn’t even cold because all i wore was a long sleeve and a tshirt. NOT EVEN A JACKET. i know that i had fun with my sister. i know that i love baseball. i know that i’m so proud of the giants in the world series this year. i know that game 1 and game 2, we hit a total of 20 runs in two games. i know that those tickets my dad bought was really expensive. i know that we sat by really cool people who my sister and i constantly highfived. i know that me and jess saw really good-looking guys today. i know all of that, and i CARE about all of that. because i just came back home from one of the most epic things in my lives.

i came home to a home. i wasn’t on the streets wandering. i’m not of age but even if i were i wouldn’t be drinking in the bars. i just experienced a once in a lifetime thing. i just saw one of the most memorable events i would ever had. and i came home to disappointment. but i feel ok. yes i do feel a little bit upset with myself. i shouldn’t have done so bad. and i know that i’m capable of more. but it is what it is and apparently i’m gonna take it again in december cuz the november is already over for signing up. i can’t help myself for feeling like i did what i could.

i don’t even know how to explain this all. i think under the big things or all the stuff i’ve said, i’m hurting. and i can’t really appreciate it. why can’t life be like a baseball game? you still earn over a million dollars even if you lose a game. you still have fans even after making a mistake. you’re accomplishments will forever remain in history. your teammates are your family. every single person makes a difference in baseball. why can’t there be more chances for me to foul. and strike. and hit a ball. and just give me the chance to make that home run. because i know i can do it. i know i can. i just don’t know.

i’m just so tired. and at the same time i’m happy. but i’m so angry tooo. i’m annoyed.. i’m elated. i’m just a bunch of emotions piled up in one. maybe i’m pmsing but i don’t know. it’s just all very confusign..

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I’m itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I’m wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

 

awake and when do i stop waiting

October 27, 2010

actually four people in my lovely home are awake. but i don’t know today i think i got into an argument with him. truly, that’s a first. i can’t tell if he was mad at or me or what, but it was different. honestly i don’t think i’ve ever been “yelled” at by him. whatever. it really isn’t that big of a deal.

i talk and talk and talk and now i’m at the point of thinking. just sitting and thinking. sitting in my bed in my jammies with a blanket on my side, not covering any part of my body. there’s voices outside my room (conversation about GIANTS :] at 12:30 in the morning). i can feel my body aching, probably cuz i am tired. and every song i’m listening to seems to make me want to tear. the lights are blinding. “there must be must be something else waiting for you” i don’t know what’s up with me. we’re all waiting for something. waiting to fall

don’t. just don’t.

October 24, 2010

you know it’s enough to give me shivers and tears and my nose just starts sniffling and i just can’t. just the sight and thought of him vulnerable kills me. i honestly can’t believe people would do that. it’s not fair. it never will be. and i don’t know how people can think of that. think of doing that. where’s your heart? where is it? because at this rate, it’s already disappeared with what you’ve asked of him. it’ll never be easy and i don’t believe anyone has the right to ask for someone to feel vulnerable and scared and it isn’t right.

i love you, alex gaskarth.

 

what’s in the air

October 12, 2010

i’m so in love. but not with anyone. i’m in love with the way things are lately. it just seems all there has been is stress and today going shopping with my best friend….getting ready for homecoming basically, going through stores without any lines, meeting really nice sales/manager people, just the music in the air makes me feel so good. i don’t know what it is. i’m in love with this beautiful masterpiece. with this idea. with this hopeful outlook on the future. i’m in love with those people who inspire me. i’m in love with the fact i’m working on things in art. i’m in love with being happy, being with people i love.

“Best Friends. That’s what you need in life. I’ve spent way to much time thinking of “love”.. I’ll wait for the time to be right for that, but until then, I’ll figure out who I want to be.”

-garrett nickelsen

i can’t have said it any better. i really can’t

the price we’ll choose to pay

October 11, 2010

i don’t know. i’m sorry but i really don’t. it’s just that i haven’t seen you happy in so long i don’t know what to expect. i’m sure you don’t eve know. and it just breaks my heart. i think i said a lot of those things because i’m afraid of you being right. maybe i just want to push back everything you say to me because i don’t know how i would handle it. i’m so frustrated. i don’t know how to make anything work. everyone’s upset. and i’m not. and it just makes me feel so indifferent or heartless because i’m not there for anyone. because i can’t connect emotionally or just relate to anyone. i mean i can but that’s not what i’m feeling right now. i just know that humanity is a large quantity. you can’t just expect it to be perfect. but you can’t put the blame all on humanity. everyone makes mistakes. these mistakes are just certain people but it really doesn’t represent the world as a whole. i don’t care what anyone says. there are good and bad people. and then there are those in between. but we’re all one. whether or not we choose to believe it, it’s true. and though it just seems really difficult to understand, i don’t want to make any excuses. not for myself, not for anyone else. where will it even get us? tell me. it’s apathy at it’s strongest. and i just don’t want it to be this  way. for anyone. and why does it have to be? and why can’t we understand that people will do these things and some we will let go for some we’ll hold on. but as a whole….as a whole. it doesn’t work that way. it shouldn’t be that way either.

i’m sorry. for being frustrated. for not having patience. for not knowing the right words. for not being there at the right moments. for not being the help i should be. for not understanding. for spitting out the things that don’t make sense. i’m sorry.

i cant. i can’t afford it.

the chain reaction

October 10, 2010

i told myself i didn’t know why i was upset today. i don’t know if i am. i was. but then i talked with my mom and things just got better. it just seems like things fall out of place when everything needs to be right on spot. whether it’s with school stuff, friend stuff, or anything else, all these reactions just seem to hit the maximum because of all this stress. and i’m not willing to have stress throw me around like this. i’m ok.

 

i’m anything but certain

October 7, 2010

i’m really tired. i can barely keep awake. but i want to get what i’m thinking, out. i really enjoyed my tutor editing my essay. it was just so right. he’s soo talented at fixing problems.

i’m hardly awake. i can’t stay up……

nightt

out for ourselves

October 3, 2010

we’re gonna run, continuously, until we find what we’re really looking for. yes we’ll make some stops on the way but in the end, where we end up will only be temporary. like our hearts. for one moment we can be dead set on one thing, and within another we find something completely different but totally similar. i don’t know what to think right now. i’m kind of just cruising, hoping things turn out better than they appear. cuz right now it’s just present

I’m not saying it was your fault
Although you could have done more

Oh you’re so naive yet so

How could this be done
Your such a smiling sweetheart
Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way
Something so beautiful
That everytime I look inside

I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking
True or false it may be
She’s still out to get me

I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking
True or false it may be
She’s still out to get me

I may say it was your fault
Cause I know you could have done more

Oh you’re so naive yet so

How could this be done
By such a smiling sweetheart
Oh and your sweet and pretty face
In such an ugly way something so beautiful
Everytime I look inside

I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking
True or false it may be
She’s still out to get me

I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking
True or false it may be
She’s still out to get me

How could this be done
By such a smiling sweetheart

Oh you’re so naive yet so

Such an ugly thing
Someone so beautiful
And everytime you’re on his side

I know she knows that I’m not fond of asking
True or false it maybe be she’s still out to get me

And I know she knows that I’m not fond of asking
True or false it maybe be she’s still out to get me

Just don’t let me down
Just don’t let me down
Hold on to your kite
Just don’t let me down
Just don’t let me down
Hold on to your kite
Just don’t let me down
Just don’t let me down
Hold on to this kite
Just don’t let me down

naive by the kooks