Archive for July, 2010

i can’t sleep

July 30, 2010

i don’t know why but i can’t. and it’s these days that i feel the smallest. i’m just a speck in the universe that isn’t able to overcome this temporary insomnia. i’m a dot in the world that just can’t sleep. and what’s on my mind you ask? i honestly don’t know. the things i worry about are so pointless it’s….pointless. there’s no other word to describe it. but i think i’m just gonna spout random things in my head.

 i want to lose weight. i’ve debated just doing a bunch of crunches right now and possibly running at 7 in the morning if i’m willing to get up. i personally think it’s just a comfort thing and something i like. i’m losing determination and that’s what’s driving me down a really bad hole. and i don’t want that. this may seem like the smallest thing but it’s these types of things that eventually add up to my laziness and lack of motivation.

i’m thinking about today, well the schedule at least. i have art class for 2 hours. but before that i’m gonna be working on the backdrop, hopefully.

i can’t seem to get schedules. i saw a bunch of people today at one of the hc meetings for actors/voices and it just shocked me. i texted a couple of them two weeks ago or so when i wanted/needed someone to go to the maine concert. we said we’d definitely hang out. still after these weeks….nothing. but i feel like i’m just pushing them away so i can just proceed in my isolation with only the besties.

did you know that sperm travels at 24 miles per hour? sorry random fact….

i am very upset that i have yet to finish any of my stories recently. i’m thinking of writing a collection based on leaving and/or running away. i already have my john one down and now i’m thinking about writing an alex one, a kennedy one, a martin one (random, i know), a kevin one….and who knows how many more. but that’s just in process.

i want a job. a real job. one at pacsun perhaps…even after all this time it’s still pacsun. haha

i need to work on my british accent if i want to be a voice…LOL

i”m thinking of several art projects to do right now. hopefully i can get it done by today.

i have this empty feeling of my chest and i’m not sure what it is. it’s weird. i read stories about girls who always have that one person they can call just because even if it’s 3 in the morning. and i just wonder why don’t i have that? i mean i texted david and he couldn’t sleep either. but i realized that he was way tired and super busy so i just let him sleep. but still. there’s no one. and i guess that’s also a good thing. i’m feeling the need for no people anyways

i need to do my 30 days challenges…

i need to stop swearing so much

who do i want to be? well obviously me. but i don’t know who me is and even at 100 i’d probably never know for sure.

i really want to travel. i want to see the world. what we’ve created, what we’ve destroyed…it’s all this big puzzle that i’ve yet to try and grasp and solve.

i’ve been losing a lot of things lately. temper, my keys which i found, connection and a whole bunch of random belongings….

and after all this, i still can’t sleep

maybe an all-nighter is needed for the summer. i have yet to pull one and it’s possible that this is my medication

9 things about myself

July 29, 2010

1. i’m a big dreamer

2. i say no problem rather than you’re welcome

3. i ❤ miley cyrus

4. without music i’d be dead

5. i fear the unknown

6. i’m a stubborn bitch at times

7. concerts help me forget about the world

8. i loveeeeeeee rings

9. i am very fond of kiwis and mangos

10 things i wish i could say to 10 different people

July 28, 2010

1. i’m grateful for you. you help me through the hardest of things even when i don’t say everything. when no one else listens, you hear everything. and sometimes i’m just afraid to say anything but know that i want to tell you every little detail. we’ll make it no matter what. our friendship is something that the gods would be jealous of. and ps. we’re going to every single concerttttt.

2. anything with anything. you’re probably one of the weirdest, craziest, loudest, randomest, smartest, determined, and motivated people i know. but i love you. you just make everything better. even after months of not seeing each other, we still are able to talk to each other about anything. you always see the best in me and push me to do what i want to do.

3. you’ve made a difference in my world. how you did it? i probably will never know. you’ve said things that have probably changed my entire view on life. or at least it’s made me rethink my opinions about a lot of things. you’re oh so wise for someone so young. your words are always in my head, your voice makes its way to me somehow. i try not to be afraid of the unknown because of you.

4. i can’t believe you. honestly, i can’t. but i won’t try to do anything about it because i know that stubborness will get in the way. you don’t listen and i’m tired of trying to make you listen. i’m obviously not worth listening to.

5. i miss you a lot. you were my role model for a long time and i think after all this time you still are. i admire the fact that you have your dream and you’ll do what it takes to reach it. it makes me sad that we don’t talk as much anymore because we’re both so busy. but you’re the last one in that part that still cares.

6. i’m sorry i never sent a letter back to you. i always wanted to but you lived to far and i didn’t know what to say. and afterwards you moved again and i just wanted to thank you for being my best friend for a year. i still miss you and our lives have changed but fifth grade would’ve never been the same if it weren’t for you.

7. i miss you. on my ipod there’s a playlist dedicated to you. it breaks my heart thinking about who you could’ve been and what you could’ve done. i’m sure you would’ve changed the world. i’ll never forget our moments. i’ll never forget you.

8. you are inspiring. and i love you very much. i’m proud to say that i know you and that we’re really close friends. the choices you make may not be the smartest but you do them for you and that’s all we could ever ask for. you have the most outrageous ideas and your artwork is absolutely incredible. please have more confidence in yourself. i know that your heart is set in the right place.

9. it’s odd that we live so close yet we’re so far apart. i will never forget the person who first gave me stickers. goodness i think that’s how our friendship began. all with the lifechanging exchange. i hope you’re ok. sometimes i worry for you, you’re still so fragile even though you have a facade of strength. things will be ok, and just know that i am always here if you ever want to talk.

10. i love you. you’re probably the reason i am who i am. people say they take after their older siblings but it’s definitely the other away around for me. you keep me smiling, laughing, and so much more all the time. sometimes we annoy the crap out of each other but at the same time that’s why we’re so close. you’re my walking and breathing diary. and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

don’t judge me

July 24, 2010

but you’ve already done it without doing anything. and that’s the harsh and cruel reality about it. even moreso….no one really cares. that’s why i have to be selfish and only care about me because only i know how to love myself. and frankly i don’t give a damn anymore. sometimes people choose to be ignorant and inconsiderant, hell i’m an expert at that…but as long as i’m clearheaded i think i’ll be better than what i want some people to be.

waking up to a new smell

July 23, 2010

the smell of starting fresh. of starting over and leaving those ugly traits of mine behind. it’s true. i always find a way to escape. i think confrontation has its own choices. there are things i’d just rather not do or face.

“i don’t want to run from anything uncomfortable. i just want, no, i just need this pain to end right here.” -paramore

the hardest part

July 20, 2010

is definitely watching yourself fade away. i waste away. a lot. and for reasons i’ll probably never understand. i have to be honest. i can’t even bunch my words together right now. why i’m so moody i don’t really know. why i fucking curse so often now, i can’t particularly say. i know i’m lucky but actually feeling it is soo different. there’s so much i want to do and achieve, but i just feel like i bite off more than i can chew almost all the time. and it sucks feeling that way. it’s terrifying feeling it everyday. and it’s pathetic to see myself with no motivation. i honestly don’t know what’ll motivate me…i watched a tv show today on mtv called “if you really knew me.” and for the first few people who talked i cried and afterwards i just got shivers. am i heartless? i truly felt insensitive? maybe because all the shit that has happened to them, i feel like that exists around me too. it wasn’t shocker, the way i needed it to be. i felt cruel and heartless. and at the same time, i wondered why i couldn’t bawl the way my sister could.

but i bawled yesterday listening to a song.

i feel like things just don’t process through my head. i always just sit on my lazy ass doing nothing. nothing. nothing at all. and that’s just time passing by. and it makes me feel worthless. why don’t i do anything? why can’t i just take my life a little more seriously? maybe i’m not ready to grow up, but i sure as hell can’t live the rest of my life doing whatever the hell i’m doing right now. cuz i’m doing shit. that’s exactly what it is. and i hate how terrible my language is these days. i don’t censor myself. i say fuck like its part of the alphabet. that wasn’t me before….

another sidenote.. the maine makes me so damn proud. they really do. now it’s just time to make myself proud. because right now….there’s not much to see here. i’m like a rest stop. it’s no tourist site.

Oh it’s safe to say I knew it, yeah I knew it all along
Asking the same questions, singing the same songs
I’ve been gone for a while, been traveling along
Searching for a new life when I already had my own
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
On every road
Yeah it’s safe to say I knew that all the selfish things I’d do
Would eventually come creeping back around
Oh way back when you called me young, said we’re innocent and dumb
I knew that you’d come creeping back around again
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
On every road
Huh
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones (So lucky baby)
So walk back home on every road
On every road we cross alone
We’re thinking of those we left back home
So follow the line and I’ll be your guide
Cause we’re the lucky ones
On every road

-the maine

soo soon

July 15, 2010

summers gonna pass just like that. and i want to be able to say that i didnt waste it and i dont want to regret anything. my bestie and i have already planned many of our art projects which was fun. it’s just interesting to know when youre with certain people you have the motivation. sure it didnt seem like we got much stuff done. but i got more done that i wouldve by myself at home….which is sad to say. and i will change that soon. i am drawing more. sooo thats definitely a plus.

on a sidenote im gonna start working tomorrow. hopefully it’ll be pretty fun. LOL. i need to find the right type of clothes. hahaha.

i think i just need to hear someone say that everything is gonna be fine

can’t. get. over. it.

July 9, 2010

the maine. the maine. the maine.

and then there’s hope

July 7, 2010

i don’t think i’ve been under that much tension and pressure in a long time. yesterday night was crazy. i found out david couldn’t go to the maine concert that he bought me and karen tickets to for our birthdays. that was a bummer. but sophia was able to go. and so we thought we had it all set. until we couldn’t find the ticket for sophia. cuz david never received the email with the ticket pdf after he got the confirmation. so we kept on sending confirmation emails continually thinking it would help.. but it didn’t. it was such an fml moment. and then i sent a support request thingy at like 11 o clock at night. and i tried calling. but nobody responded…which makes sense cuz it’s so late at night. and i was just completely messed up. so i cried and cried and hoped and prayed last night. i was soo hopeless and i felt terrible. i had no idea what to do. i convinced my dad to let us go and now we were missing a ticket.

so i woke up this morning feeling terrible. just hoping to god that i can call them and sort things out by just bringing the email of confirmation. so i went to my college planning class and afterwards i called them. first a lady picked up and she said that i had to find out if david used the print at home or pick up option for the tickets. so i called david and it was the print at home. so i called slims again. and a guy responded and said that i just had to get a photocopy of david’s id and his consent saying that he bought the tickets for us. so then i was like HALLELUJAH!!! and excited and everything. and then i started planning how i was supposed to get to david’s house. to get the stuff….but i checked his email and there it was. three emails. they responded to my support request thingy at 10 in the morning. and i was so grateful. i opened it. and there they were. the three tickets. THREEE. the missing one was found. and i printed it out. and now i’m excited. but it’s ridiculous. the stuff i went through for the maine. god i love them. and i know that it’ll be worth it.

sidenote: i still haven’t finished learning the songs for tonight…..oh well

but i’m just thinking to myself, why did things turn out this way.. i guess i’ll never know. but i have to say. i’m not useless. i called. i made it happen. and i didn’t let my parents down. didn’t tell them anything that was going on. and honestly i think what made it possible and come true was my positivity. i hoped for the best. maybe it was also ignorance on my part. i didn’t want to believe that all of it was for nothing. i couldn’t but maybe that’s one of my strengths. for a long time i’ve put the biggest front i’ve ever known. yes i’ll be strong. i’ll be capable. and i can do it. but sometimes i can’t. and i pretend all the time. it’s a sense of comfort i guess. i’m not sure. but i proved to myself that things happen for a reason. and that when you push a little it works. that i’m not useless.

this summer has tested me in so many ways. i was looking for colleges to put on my college list. oh god. oh god. it was overwhelming. to think of how many portfolio pieces i have to create. that it’s not only the portfolio. that i have an essay. maybe the gpa and the sat’s arent as important but they still look at it all. and i don’t even know if i want to aim for ucla. i will have to. but that mean’s this slacker style i’ve been living in for the past few weeks needs to go out the window. there isn’t any time for this anymore. i have to be motivated. and it’s not because i have to. but also because i want to. it should be this way. there should be a balance of loving to do something and having a satisfying outcome because of it too. i’m always so unorganized and lazy and uncaring that it’s ugly. it’s soo irresponsible. i feel terrible that i’ve possessed this side to me for so long. that my parents and my family have had to deal with this type of daughter…it’s a little shameful. they’ve never pushed me in that way and i can’t even push myself. it’s an edge toward pathetic. and i don’t want that to happen. i don’t want to be that person. because i know i deserve better. and so does everyone else around me.

we aren’t hopeless. we’re just misguided and that’s life. we need to find the right direction for each and everyone of us.

liar liar

July 1, 2010

im so scared. i want to be fearless. but no. im as freaked out as can be. i dont know. but john’s words never leave my head. its hard to embrace the unknown. it’s too hypothetical and too untangible. im trying. yes i should try more. im the most stubborn person i know, and with ignorance added into it. god its like an inevitable downfall. i shouldnt do this to myself or to others. ive got to make my decisions. ive got to set my own goals and actually aim for them instead of hopelessly waiting for something to fall from the sky. ive got to grow up.

and all the while….”growing up won’t bring us down” -the maine