Archive for June, 2010

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June 26, 2010

its so good to be home. be with friends and family. people you know. i just loved it today. it mightve had some rough patches but nothing that was too messed up. itll be ok. i know it will. and i just gotta maintain that assurance in me. or else i’ll fall apart and i dont want that to happen

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to be here

June 22, 2010

i’m so happy that i’m here in hollywood. it’s just soo fun. at the same time it’s work. and i really do love it. i met some pretty cool people here. and i don’t know. i honestly was just completely freaked out with the idea of not knowing anyone, anything, and so forth. but i’m here. i just better make the most of it.

thanks besties. for everything. cheering me up and especially those pep talks that just make me feel all the more confident. love you guys forever xD

hesitation is taking a breather

June 15, 2010

and i’m moving forward. you know that rush you get when relief washes all over you? when you can finally exhale without having to worry about whether or not what you’re inhaling is right? i feel that all over me. and i think i’m ready to continue on.

“growing up won’t bring us down” -the maine

wake up and breathe reality, dear. you aren’t part of that world

June 12, 2010

tonight was really fun. i enjoyed seeing one of the people i need the most in my life. i’ve now figured out who i want in my life. it’s funny cuz you never know who people truly are. these are some harsh words. but you know what? fuck screw you. i can hear it in voices, the people who care and the ones who don’t give fuck about you at all. guess it was just time for me to wake up from this walking dead i’ve been living in.

“nothing makes you feel good. we walk. we walk. we walk” -the ting tings

sit down, take a sip, and go

June 8, 2010

it’s kind of like the band i just found. nothing ever stays. and there aren’t that many people i’d like to keep as mean as that sounds. but i guess summer’s here, a move away from people you never knew and never desired to know really.

I’m two cups into my coffee break
I’m sitting alone in the cafe front way
Reading all by myself
I’m turning my cell off just to breathe
‘Cause everyone I know just keeps calling me
And I just need a little time

Cause I’ve overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I’m sleeping so little these days
I guess this is growing up
I’m feeling things are about to change
I’m guessing this is growing up
Yeah, I’m guessing this is growing up

And my mom hates my guts
She has every reason to
From all the things I do
And it breaks me just to know
That I have torn her apart so many times
So many times

Cause I’ve overcommitted myself
I guess this is growing up
I’m sleeping so little these days.
I guess this is growing up
I’m feeling things are about to change
I’m guessing this is growing up
Oh I’m guessing this is growing up

I don’t wanna change, I wanna stay right where I lay
Eyes closed, head down on the pillow,
Better change, before it’s too late,
I’m guessing this is growing up…

Now I’m done with my coffee break
I turn on my phone
Now that I’ve grown up

coffee break by forever the sickest kids

this is starting to

June 6, 2010

get to me. the impatience i mean. i need summer so badly now. haha. it’s taking its time when it doesn’t need to be doing so. doesn’t it just bother you how something’s so close yet so far at the ame time. i know that’s really cliche but still. it applies to so many things, it’s really endless.

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the papers
Desperate and hardened
seeking a momentary fix

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy I fear

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

Whoa Whoa Whoa
I feel you
Whoa Whoa Whoa

Before just the daylight
Come and I stand by
Waiting to catch the quickest plane
Fly me to nowhere
it’s better than somewhere
That’s where I’ve been and nothing’s changed

All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy for sure

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

Whoa
I feel you
Whoa

I’m so lost in you
A tragedy seemed to be over now
A tragedy it seemed to be

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

whoa
I feel you
Whoa
I feel you
Oh Whoa
I feel you
Oh Oh Oh

mercy by onerepublic

spinning

June 5, 2010

you know that feeling of gutwrenching pain when the closest person says something that completely drowns you? i guess it took a few more times for me to understand that. for me to acknowledge that it’s only for me to do better. i think i just needed to hear those words. “i just have a higher expectation of you, i know you can do better. i want you to do better” i always want to remember that i have someone behind my back. i went to the academy of art open house today and i talked to this lady. she was absolutely right. i’m so lucky that i have my mom completely supportive of what i want to do. today was a good day. it had it’ss ups and downs. i got yelled at. i got disciplined. i felt unwanted. then i felt happy. i felt together. i felt family. i felt everything. sometimes i’m just hesitant in wanting to feel something as strong as this.

we went to san francisco to go to the academy of art open house. through the entire 180 new montgomery building basically. saw fashion, industrial design, interior design, architecture design, game design, illustration, photography, advertising, and so much more. it’s an amazing school. it really is. afterwards wehad cpk. i ordered miso salad. OMIGOD soooo delicious. i loved it. i’m definitely eating that again. then we went home. i took a nap. went for a practice driving with my mom. came home. went to safeway. i bought my sister a green tea venti unsweetened with my mom’s starbucks card, but there wasn’t enough money. i called my mom and she was at the safeway dvd machine and said she’d be there soon. but there was a pleasant older lady there who paid the last $.50 of the drink. it was just soo generous. my mom wanted to pay her back but she was like, no that’s fine. annddddddddddd my mom borrowed alice in wonderland. my dad’s been dying to see the movie…i know. hahah xD but here i am. and i’m good. i’m better than i was before.

I’m keeping quiet til there’s no more sirens
Lately it’s hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I’ll find my words when there’s no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.

I can’t remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can’t stop this story
I’ve found my way, but until then
I’m only spinning

I’m keeping quiet til the phone stops ringing
Lately it’s hard to disconnect, I just want something real
I’ve found the words if I could just stop thinking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.

I can’t remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can’t stop this story
I’ve found my way, but until then
I’m only spinning

Spin beneath the rooftop
Hold on, wait until the room stops
Spinning

I can’t remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can’t stop this story
I’ve found my way, but in the end
We’re only spinning

I keep forgetting when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited til the lights come on again
I lost my place but I can’t stop this story
I’ve found my way, but until then
I’m only spinning

Spinning
Spinning

spinning by jack’s mannequin

you’re just a

June 3, 2010

letdown. another one of my mistakes – this providence

i feel so stupid for crying right now. i hate feeling this way. i can’t stand the way my heart feels so heavy like it’s going to fall out of my chest. the way my body aches because i know i’m at fault. i hate disappointing even though it’s inevitable. it’s just i don’t know what i’m doing. and you’re absolutely right. i am 17, i should know. but i don’t. so what do you want me to do/ i’ll just suck it up and continue. but it’s so hard. why are you getting sick of me? why are you getting tired of me? my attitude? why?why doesn’t it help when i shut up? the times when you look into my eyes, i shatter. i fall to pieces. i fall into that little hole i keep digging to keep myself happy and away from sadness. i try to pull everything in and become a better person. but god knows i haven’t changed. and if i have it’s by smidgets. i’m so sorry for being tired and having not the brightest moods. i’m sorry that i ask the wrong questions at the wrong times. i’m just not who you want me to be. nor am i what i want me to be sometimes. and that’s the toughest thing of all. because it’d mean that i’m living a lie. that i always have been.

i don’t know what i feel. i don’t know anymore. i am trying so hard to reach the full high of happiness that i wish everyone could have. when will i. how will i. will i ever. if i. should i. would i. can i. may i. it’s such an unknown condition that maybe it never existed. but i couldnt ever believe that. cuz i think that’s the only thing that exists as it’s natural state.

i’m gonna be alright. i know that i will be. i’m not hopeless nor am i useless. i’m here for something. i just got to get there. even if i am a letdown sometimes. even if i am.

quoting mantras

June 2, 2010

the one for today is…

everything is gonna be alright. be strong. believe. -yellowcard.

anticipation

June 1, 2010

it’s almost here. i can smell it. taste it. feel it. it’ll work out. i know things will fall into place.

“sparked up sparked up like a book of matches, falling through the night, and rising from the ashes….don’t come any closer, don’t tell me it’s over, don’t kiss me goodbye, here we are, am i taking this too hard? don’t say it’s easy, the hardest part is leaving, don’t you wonder why? suddenly we’re all running out of time” -the academy is

ok i have to admit i was really excited when i found out that jack loved that song too. that means we do have stuff in common heheh xD