Archive for May, 2010

i really want to

May 31, 2010

i just came back from my weekend in sacramento. it was soo much fun. i enjoyed seeing my sister’s godfamily and their dogs. are. absolutely. effingly. ridiculously. adorable. yorkies. we watched many movies such as the spy next door, did you hear about the morgans?, and the lovely bones. marathon. some shopping was done. and a lot of food was eaten. it was crazy. i think i gained 5 pounds….but it was worth it. one of the most exciting parts was the games. me and my sister teamed up against her godbrothers who are 19 and 22 and beat them TWICE at taboo. the purple cards and the green cards. it was sooo awesome. they were like “we’re soo pro at this game!” ….not really. haha but it showed me how close that me and my sister are.

i dont know. is it weird? she says all her friends are jealous that we have such a close relationship. and then when i talk to others about my sisterhood they don’t seem to have that. maybe we’re like twins, who knows? it’s just nice to know that i have that. that it’s special. i’m always going to be there for her and she’s always going to be there for me. that’s just the way we roll. teehee.

omigoodness just like 8 more days. it’s sooooo wow. i’m no longer going to be a junior. i’m going to older. an upperclassmen. and so much more. it’s just time for us to continue and keep on. so my studies will be intense this week ;[ sadly enough.

things arent what they used to be and neither are people. the bravest thing is to accept it all and just keep going

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continually

May 26, 2010

frustrated. sometimes people just don’t get it.

i dont want

May 24, 2010

glimpses of my future laid out in front of me. it’s just way tooo creepy. i don’t need that. some days i wish people would get it. but it’s hard to ask sometimes. i’m sick of all the insincere.

i’m gonna get back on track. this slacker/lazy kind of thing doesn’t sit well with me. it’s too unsure. i don’t like being unsure. it makes me hold all this fear, all this unknown in my pocket. i’m going to turn these last two weeks or so, around for me.

Darling keep your, keep your voice low
If you can’t recall your lines
Maybe they won’t, they won’t notice
That you’re hiding the script,
Hiding the script under your sleeves

I’m sure we’ll be fine
You’ve got your friends and I
I’ve got my makers and all this time

Too late, too late to see the show
Everyone’s going home
Too late, too late to make them stay
The critics say the script is old

You step away from the stage and the spotlight
I hold my breath as the curtain comes down
We must have misplaced the scene where love conquers all
It conquers all

And if I could have known on that winter day
That you’d fade away and only I was to blame
I would have stayed awake and found a way
To make every soul in the crowd stand and say
“Bittersweet and cheap! But the ending makes it strong!”

Too late, too late to see the show
Everyone’s going home
Too late, too late to make them stay
The critics say the script is old

Too late, too late to see the show
Everyone’s going home
Too late, too late to make them stay
The crowd say the script is old

I’m sure we’ll be fine
You’ve got your friends and I
I’ve got my makers and all this time

Too late, too late to see the show
Everyone’s going home
Too late, too late to make them stay
The critics say the script is old
[x2]

stranger, you and i – daphne loves derby

lost between

May 23, 2010

god sometimes i just fucking hate assumptions. why do people do that? i’ll never fucking know. this is why our world is soooo pathetic sometimes. the truth, the lies, everything is blurred. there’s no fucking line to separate anything.

ohhhhhh

May 22, 2010

you’re mom was a centerfold. you’re dad was so typical. i’m a junkie so what’s your story? -anarbor

that song was the first thing that i heard this morning. ain’t that interesting? but anywhos. today was pretty fun. i’m kinda at a realization taht i’m not actually fearless. i guess taht’s only human. but some days, i don’t want to be human. it’s going to work for me. it will.

to think of the time

May 21, 2010

and knowing that i have so little of it.. its going to be sooo stressful. i have yet to finish so many things. i cannot let any deadlines down. i have to figure everything out. it’s not an option not to. it’s so weird. we have like what 2 weeks left of school basically. i’m excited and worried at the same time. i didn’t do so well on my sat. i did improve but not by much. but i realized for me it’s actually ok. it’s alright. i  have so many other things. take my chances on things i believe in myself in.

dear jocelyn

keep going and dont stop. no hesitation. love yourself

love me

All the windows,
Swear to miss you,
And the doors are cell block tight,
Sweet sedation,
Sweep the issues,
And the clocks about to strike
Did it call you down,
Are you back just yet,
Waiting now please come set me free,
And the only sound is a minute left.

This could be, this could be the last time

It’s a chance to fix mistakes,
One more for the last time,
Does it blow our dreams away,
Don’t waste this chance with your smile
10 seconds left on this dial,
This could be the last time.

Along the staircase,
I dream to hear you,
In a whisper quiet room,
Space the thinking,
Space to scream to,
But the echoes sound like you,
Not the stars at night,
In a pitch black sky,
I don’t know just wants to see you
But the time is right and it only flies.

This could be, this could be the last time

It’s a chance to fix mistakes,
One more for the last time,
Does it blow our dreams away,
Don’t waste this chance with your smile
10 seconds left on this dial,
This could be the last time.

It’s only us,
It’s only now,
A simple wish,
It’s only tonight.

This could be the last time,
Now I’ve made our last mistake
One more for the last time, (This Could Be) (This Could Be)
Does it blow our dreams away,(This Could Be) (This Could Be)
Don’t waste this chance with your smile (This Could Be (This Could Be)
10 seconds left on this dial, (This Could Be) (This Could Be)
This could be the last time. (This Could Be) (This Could Be)
It’s only us,
It’s only now,
It’s only tonight.

11:11 pm by aar

and you need to know

May 19, 2010

that i’m not going to give up. i love you too much for that to happen. we’re like sisters

what do we do

May 19, 2010

when we’re lost. when we feel hopeless. when we feel useless. when we feel stuck. when things dont seem to turn out as planned. when we want to be loved. when we want to help. when we want to leave. when we want to change. when we want to figure things out. when we want to be happy.

i could never be upset or mad at you. all i know is i want you to feel better. i want those days when i don’t need to ask you if you’re ok. and if i do its not just “fine” it’s something with emotion. i dont want you to think that im mad. i just dont know what to say. and although i dont, i just hope you feel happy. you deserve that much. it’s just hard not seeing you happy. because i’m always happy. and i know life isnt fair. but we have to learn to keep going and move on. but that’s life. and i dont want you to go through it with sadness. or anger. or confusion. it just breaks my heart to know that you always feel lost.

One more chance, it’s all I’d ever ask for
I’ve been standing, waiting at your front door
I won’t go, been waiting for hours (wait up)

Out of bed and looking in the mirror
Every day it gets a little clearer
If you go, I’m patiently waiting (wait up)

I’m climbing the walls, I’m searching for answers
The gears in my mind, are turning like dancers
I’m trying to find, the words but I just can’t speak

I’m living proof, broken and defeated
I’m the shattered youth and no one could believe it
If I can’t have you, well darlin’ I just can’t go on

And if I swear, swear to make it better
Would you stick you around, I know that it will never
Be the way it was, but maybe we can make this right
Show me where the light is leading

Sit and stare, I wonder what you’re thinking
Sweat falls down, my stomach starts the sinking
Where are you? I’m patiently waiting (wait up)
Just last night you said you didn’t love me
Well that’s alright, I know that you’re above me
Memories past, they’re flooding around me (wait up)

I’m wondering why, why did I do it?
And watching you cry, can barely get through it
I’m sorry I swear, I’m sorry for what I did

I’m living proof, broken and defeated
I’m the shattered youth and no one could believe it
If I can’t have you, well darlin’ I just can’t go on
And if I swear, swear to make it better
Would you stick you around, I know that it will never
Be the way it was, but maybe we can make this right
Time stands still, if you stay, I will

I wanted to tell, tell you my secrets
I want you to know, know I believe this
I wanted to tell, tell you everything

I wanted to tell, tell you my secrets,
I want you to know, know I believe this
I wanted to tell, tell you everything

I’m living proof, broken and defeated
I’m the shattered youth and no one could believe it
If I can’t have you, well darlin’ I just can’t go on
And if I swear, swear to make it better
Would you stick you around, I know that it will never
Be the way it was, but maybe we can make this right
So let it go

So get up, get up, get up, it’s deep inside of you
Now wake up, wake up, wake up, it’s deep inside of you
So get up, get up, get up, it’s deep inside of…

living proof by the downtown fiction

i want to have the right words to say…

up and up we go

May 17, 2010

Calm down, pull yourself together
It’ll be alright.
Regrets, you’re so completely useless,
But I can’t, go back.

But if she wanted me to stay,
How could I go?
I should have known it was the first time.
You can’t be giving back what you take, it’s all on me.
I can’t believe it was the first time

I wonder, how she will remember me,
As time goes by.
Was it just,
How she was imagining?
If I called tonight,
Would she tell me why?

But if she wanted me to stay,
How could I go?
I should have known it was the first time.
You can’t be giving back what you take, it’s all on me.
I can’t believe it was the first time.

Did it mean, everything?
‘Cause I can feel her tears fall to the ground.
Would it be like, the first time?
Oh…

But if she wanted me to stay…

You can’t be giving back what you take, it’s all on me.
I can’t believe it was the first time.
Yeah, yeah, ha-ah-ah…

I can’t believe it was her first time.

the first time (natalie’s song) by the friday night boys

this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but it was stuck in my head today. had my interview today. those girls are really pretty but it made me think, WHY THE EFFING HELL DO THEY LOOK OLDER THAN ME? honestly it’s so sad that people grow up so fast now. yes i know i am now seventeen, but i have the heart of a five year old basically. it just doesnt make sense why people younger than me would wear effing 4 inch heels to an interview while i wore flats. they’re maturing to the point that i find it kind of disgusting. i guess they just don’t realize that soon enough, their childhood is going to be gone. it’s going to be put aside forever and all theyd have is their reality of life at its truest. ugly and stone cold. but anywhos i bought my first pairs of vans and converse today. i was excited hehe.  god damn im so tired. i should go to sleep. fucking essay has drained everything out of me but that’s life there for you. guess sometimes “nothing matters,  i’m just chasing the wind.”

i realized ive used so many this providence lyrics. maybe they should become my quote book. i realized now that i want a quote book. i’m going to make a quote book.

NIGHT

upside down

May 13, 2010

falling from the ceiling….i’m soo fucking stressed i’m about to explode.

Oh Oh Oh OHH
Oh Oh Oh OHH
Oh Oh Oh OHH

Make it count, play it straight
Don’t look back, don’t hesitate
When you go Big Time

what you are
what you feel
never quit and make it real,
when your all (big time!)

(Oh o Woah o)
Hey! (Ooh) Hey! (Ooh)
Listen to your heart now
Hey! (Ooh) Hey! (Ooh)
Dont cha feel the rush?
Hey! (Ooh) Hey! (Ooh)
Ready take your shot now
Oh, ohhh. (Hey)
Oh, OHH! (Oooh)

[Chorus]
Go and shake it up, what you gotta lose?
Go and make your luck with the life you choose.
If you want it all, lay it on the line.
It’s the only life you got so you gotta live it Big Time

Oh, Oh, Oh, Ooooh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Ooooh

Step it up, get in gear, go for broke, make it clear, gotta go Big Time

(Ohh–Heeey)

Make it work, get it right, change the world overnight, (gotta dream Big Time. )

(Ohh-Ohh)

Hey! (Ooh) Hey! (Ooh)
Give it all you got now.
Hey! (Ooh) Hey! (Ooh)
Isn’t it a rush?!
Hey! (Ooh) Hey! (Ooh)
Finish what you start now.

Oh, Ohhh. (Hey)
Oh, OHH!. (Oooh)

[Chorus]
Go on shake it up, what you gotta lose?
Go and make your luck with the life you choose.
(life you choose)
If you want it all, lay it on the line.
It’s the only life you got, so you gotta live it Big Time!

Look around,
every light is shining now, its brighter somehow. (Woah)

Look around,
nothing’s really as it seems, nothing but dreams.

You and I,are
Gonna make a brand new sound, like we own this town.
(We Own This Town)

We can fly,
now I’ve made it off the ground,never look down.
Welcome to the Big Time.

All the pretty people see you walkin’ in the sunshine, welcome to the good times.

Life will never be the SAAAME!.

[Chorus]
Go on shake it up, what cha gotta lose?
Go and make the luck with the life you choose. (Oooh)
If you want it all, lay it on the line.
It’s the only life you got, so you gotta live it Big Time.

Oh, Oh, Oh, OHH,
Oh, Oh, Oh, OHH,

If you want it all, lay it on the line.
It’s the only life you got, so you gotta live it Big Time!!!

hell this is what my anthem is going to be for the next few days. GOD DAMN though i’m really tired.