Archive for April, 2010

next stop is home

April 30, 2010

i want home. i sat with a friend today. i wish i had more simple times like so.

If you were to be fallen in a well I would throw down a latter and calm all your troubles so you could climb up into my arms.
If you were be lost at sea I would blow on the ocean and change all the currents and have the waves carry you home to me… you home to me

I’d be your everything
Your everything whenever you need me
I’d be your everything

If you were to be in a horrible car crash I would throw myself in front of you and cushion all the impact I’d be your human air bag…
If you were to die right here in now. I would pray to the heavens to take my soul instead and trade you out. Trade you out.

I’d be your everything
Your everything whenever you need me
I’d be your everything

If you were to jump of some great height I would be there at the bottom with arms stretched to the sky. I’d be safety net for life your safety net for life, And if you were to be gone without sight I would be right here to grab onto, run to guide you. Though your eyes are dark I’d be your light.
I’d would be your light
I’d be your light ( x 2 )

I’d be your everything
Your everything whenever you need me
Your everything…

when god made you he was showing off by stephen barnes

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a heavy heart

April 28, 2010

i did the day of silence until my mom called me on the phone and i couldnt not answer….

but anywhos. i’m stressed. i’m thinking about the fact that i have a physics quiz tomorrow, a french test, and a couple of projects due friday; i’m kind of doomed. but not as doomed as other people i must say…i have the SATs this saturday. i’m so close. i think i can do it. i just have to maintain that mindset of hardworking rather than lazyass as i tend to be sometimes ;[

well i just deleted a lot of words that i was going to say. it’s better this way.

I’m desperate to know how you are
I hope you’re deep asleep
I’ve been awake for days
Trying to study every inch of your body

And in this picture,
From a distant state
when I can safely say,
Nothing in this world could tear me down in any way
But like a dream you disappeared without a sound, without a trace…

Sleep well darling,
Wherever you are, I hope that you’re happy tonight
And maybe you found someone who will love you right
Sleep well darling
I’m desperate to say now I need you more than ever
but all I could say was goodnight

This is for a girl back home
She tore down all my walls
Left me for all she had known
But I pushed it all away from me
And no no, even if I knew, even if I knew what to say to you
Its just too late to make you stay
I’m sick of fighting this broken fate

Someone else gets to tell you that you’re beautiful…

Sleep well darling,
Wherever you are, I hope that you’re happy tonight
And maybe you found someone who will love you right
Sleep well darling
I’m desperate to say now I need you more than ever
but all I could say was goodnight

Its the last thing I want, but its all that I got
Its the last thing I need but I still carry you in my heart, in my heart… (x2)

Sleep well darling,
Wherever you are, I hope that you’re happy tonight
And maybe you found someone who will love you right
Sleep well darling,
I’m desperate to say now I need you more than ever
but all I could say was goodnight

sun by daphne loves derby

we always carry way too much on our hearts, thinking we can do this alone.

the unknown is only relative

April 27, 2010

90 miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving
I don’t know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later
You’re still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I’m speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time tonight

Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you
Someday we’ll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know that I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you
Someday we’ll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I’ll go dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know that I was the One for you

-someday we’ll know by new radicals

it’s unsettling to not know what you wished to know but that makes it all the more worth it to try and find it

there’s a line between fact and fiction

April 26, 2010

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
Til’ all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I’ve said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I’ve been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away

My god, amazing how we got this far
It’s like we’re chasing all those stars
Who’s driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don’t really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don’t let me disappear
I’mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, All my secrets away

secrets by onerepublic

some days, fantasy never felt so irrationally real.

i must be dreaming

April 25, 2010

these are the days when i realize i have beautiful friends. no matter where i go in life i know at least i had the greatest memories with them, with you guys. thank you so much. because without you guys, i’d be so lost. and the must fantastical thing is, i KNOW i have you. and sometimes i might be annoying or out of place or clueless or unsure or just too idealistic, but you guys love for who i am. i cant say that about just anybody. it makes me cry. because i feel like i must be dreaming. and i know that i’m just TOO MUCH sometimes, but you guys stick by me.

facebook has become entirely fake for me. it’s absolutely narcissistic <—did i spell that right? oh well. but like honestly im really happy and appreciative for those birthday comments. but i look at them and say to myself “i dont even know you…” and that makes me really sad. i’ve grown hard. into a rock, i feel, sometimes. i used to befriend everybody. i wanted to befriend everybody. i still do. but at the same time, i know half the people i befriend, aren’t even worth it. yes there are different categories for friends, pals, buddies, whatever it is. but why arent all of those “friendships” or even “relationships” real. they just seem fake. like there really isn’t substance. that it’s just conversation to fill up space. and a simple comment like “happy birthday” does mean a lot to me. but if anything, i still prefer a call or a text or even bettter? a visit. like from my best friends.

i dont know why ive started writing like this. maybe it’s after reading john’s and the rest of the maine’s journal/diary entries. diary sounds kind of girly XD. but i mean. to know that people are still real gives me a guarantee that there’s still hope out there. that not everyone is going to be inside a bubble. i’m grateful and appreciative for my best friends. they mean so much to me that if i didn’t have them, i’d become fake. they ground me. and not many people can honestly and truthfully say that about their friends, even best friends.

i’m 17 years old. that number scares me. but i’ve thought about it. and it really is better to not know the unknown. maybe i can handle surprises. maybe i don’t hate them. mommy says that i have a fear of getting hurt. i think i do. i’ve just built this little box around me filled with happiness that it doesn’t ever feel like i will get hurt. i’ve created this for myself. now maybe it’s time to poke holes in this box. hell, maybe even tear it down, so i can feel other emotions.

i had so much fun last night at the baseball game. the first 6 innings were a piece of bull cuz it was just SOOOO boring, but goodness. it was intense afterwards. the giants won 2 to 0, against the cardinals. it was AMAZING :] i enjoy night games. i hope in the future i can do this more often. and i must travel to these places with my best friends. another thing i realized is that i’m definitely a travel person. unlike my sister who can only sleep in her bed…i love visiting different hotels and stuff. i’d miss home but i’d love moving around.

we had dinner at around 9. omigosh. i kinda got food poisoning. LOL what a fail. especially on my daddy’s birthday. he’s 45. ain’t that old? LOL. but yea we ate crab, really oily, and i kinda threw up when we got back to the hotel. before we got back tho, we drove around, looking at san fran. hanging out with the fam is pretty chill. it’s amazing to see how much city life changes. even crazier to know that that’ll be me in a few years. we had breakfast with FREAKING HUGE PANCAKES. never again, shall i eat pancakes. we bought my grandmothers’ gifts for mother’s day already. cuz daddy’s leaving for taiwan tonight. i hope they like it. they’re dooney & bourke purses. well not purses. but sorta like purses. and i also bought someone’s bday gift today :]

i’m going to take it step by step. i don’t want to live a life in perfection, which is impossible, but the idea of it too. i’m flawed and others are flawed. there’s time for acceptance. and there’s also time to move on. to take chances. to believe. to succeed. to decide. to dream. to create. to love. to find. to learn. to make mistakes. to fail. to forgive. to forget. to trust. to keep. and to live, without fear, without hesitation.

dear jocelyn,

happy birthday. i dare you to make a difference in the world. i dare you to challenge yourself. i dare you to change for the better. i dare you to take chances. i dare you to stop overthinking. and now i dare you to open your heart up.

love,

me

“and i watch my world as it falls down, around, but still i pray, you will come back someday.” -this providence

all i need

April 22, 2010

One other crimes
Pacing
My breath’s in perfect time
When the moment’s right
I’ll tell her everything and

Maybe she’ll be the one that saves me
From losing my mind, it’s crazy
But this could be what I need
She could be all I

(whoa whoa)
Don’t get caught up in me
‘Cause I’ll only let you down
(whoa whoa)
Youre making it hard to breathe
So let me go

How many days and so many nights spent
Wishing her life could be
Just like her favorite actress
Falling in love like the movies
I swear that it’s true
Some day we’ll fall in love
All my mistakes have lead me straight to you

(Whoa whoa)
Don’t get caught up in me
Cause I’ll only let you down
(Whoa whoa)
Youre making it hard to breathe
So let me go

Maybe she’ll be the one that saves me
From losing my mind, it’s crazy
But this could be what I need
She could be all I

(john)
So close that I could touch you
I know it’s wrong
but I can’t stop myself
No I can’t stop myself from making a move
I’m nervous but I’m telling the truth
It’s all I can do to get to you

I can’t get you out of my mind

(Whoa whoa)
Don’t get caught up in me
Cause I’ll only let you down
(Whoa whoa)
Youre making it hard to breathe?
So let me go

Maybe she’ll be the one that saves me
From losing my mind, it’s crazy
But this could be what I need
She could be all I need

i finished the one shot :] hehehehehehehehehes

the f and f

April 21, 2010

Watching the waves crashing beneath me. Blue and silver, chaotic and serene. And I can’t describe the view from up here, because maybe I won’t be able to tell you what I see. Don’t waste your tears on me. Don’t stop, now. Just carry on, carry on, carry on. You always said that things were gonna get better, but maybe the fog holds answers I can’t reach. And I can’t decide if I’ll ever shake this, because maybe I… wait, nevermind. Don’t tell me how to live. It’s just water under the bridge. Don’t stop, now. Just carry on, carry on, carry on. And you’ll never know how bad it feels right now. Twenty-one years now in the making. Mom and Dad, you didn’t waste your time, because even the greatest architect’s masterpiece can be torn to the ground. But I’m still around. And you would build a ship or pack my parachute in time for the fall. Yeah, this is love by all means. And I’ll continue building with you. Don’t stop, now. Just carry on, carry on, carry on. And you’ll know how bad it feels right now, but at least you know that it won’t end.

-the swellers, feet first

i’ve been on a good inspiration streak lately. and i noticed that i have this up and down cycle with stories. i think sometimes i forget what im rambling about and that makes me hate the stories or not want to finish. but anywhos. ive been feeling tired lately. mmmm to think that i’m going to be 17 soon is actually really scary. i sorta dont want to have my birthday come. knowing that i will have to face even more obstacles is frightening. but im accepting it cuz that means more chances at being happy and enjoying myself.

so whats the opportunity here?

couldnt it be

April 19, 2010

its weird how when you stop talking to people for a while you lose all touch with tthem. its scarier how one wrong move and your entire relationship will be iced and suddenly its as if you were never friends. its odd to know that in some places they can be your friends and some they cant. its freaky to see that sometimes people arent exactly what they seem.

why couldnt it be a little different? i walked home with belinda today. it was so weird how we were so close in 7th grade because of eric. just the sound of his name makes my heart have a billion bells chime like the way a best friend can give you a billion hugs and feel fantastic. well we were close back then. then it left. but for reasons i dont understand. i think it was cuz someone told me that she was bland or like the generic type of girl. but shes not. shes a little differenter than i remember her to be. and today we didnt talk about schoool subjects. yes we were on the topic of college and stuff at first but then we started spitting out random subjects. about boys. white guys that are buddhist. and my sister (asian) who wants to be jewish. yes i know. odd. very. but still its just curious to see that this is the way things work.

i could talk to a certain person for like a minute, thinking we were close, but in reality we arent at all. i could know something about someone that nobody knows, and suddenly that information doesnt even seem relative to my life. i can make conversation with a boy that id just begun to talk to even though id known who he was for a long time, to realize that its temporary. i can walk the streets and know that sometimes id rather be alone than create a relationship with someone that isnt definite. although that might be one of the most horrendous things to think of, its true. some “friendships” werent meant to be. same with courtships. its just one of those eccentric things about life. it likes to turn things around, thats for sure.

and the same with people i’ll probably never know for sure. i can make numerous assumptions about justin bieber and miley cyrus and never know whats actually going on in their lives. i can pretend i know a certain band guys favorite type of girl from interviews and songs but hell im wrong a lot of the times. i can just picture the beautiful and perfect idea of having something and it just completely disappearing within a blink of an eye.

today ruicong told me that i was mouthing to words. btw i know im ruthless for naming everyone. but its just for right now. he saw me mouthing to a song he didnt know. it was have faith in me by a day to remember. i wanted to scream that song and in a lot of cases i want to burst into song. but i looked at my surroundings. people just finishing their star testing and even if everyone was done, i wouldnt put the spotlight on me in that scenario. and so i enjoy singing. but my sister tells me that if i want to sing, sing it loud. because when i whisper or lightly “sing” the song, i tend to be off key and sound really bad. but where can i do that? where can i go and just voice my voice without hesitation. i may not have the best voice in the world, but i want to walk the streets of my neighborhood and be able to sing happily ever after by he is we. or just dance around in the elementary school parking lot across my yard. it shouldnt have to be a resistance from myself. i should be able to do these things.

i havent done like any of my homework. yes. i know. im a bad child. with the distraction of the maine, my stomach humming its loud noise, the  stack of papers that are relative to the great gatsby, i chose to ignore them all. well for now at least. but i just wanted to get some words out.

will i ever let some people see this blog? probably not. will they ever find it? again probably not. cuz half the people in the world blog. so i might be lost in the gazillion pages of beauty. the splatter of words on the screen of someones desktop. if anyone reads my blog, i’ll just know that im not the only one.

because in the end, we all have a story to tell.

Let me riddle you a ditty, it’s just an itty bitty, little thing on my mind.
About a boy and a girl, trying to take on the world one kiss at a time.
Now the funny thing about, ain’t a story without it, but the story is mine.
And I wish you could say, that it ended just fine.

We all want to know, how it ends.

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you’re ready, if you’re ready or not.
Just a boy and a girl trying to take on the world, and we want to get caught.
In the middle of a very happy ending, let’s see what we’ve got, let’s give it a shot.
Let’s give it a shot.

We all want to know, how it ends.

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

We all have a story to tell.
Whether we whisper or yell.
We all have a story, of adolescence and all it’s glory.
We all have a story to tell.

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?

We all have a story to tell.
We all have a story to tell.
We all have a story to tell.
We all have a story to tell.

im gonna write a one shot based on this song XD

being….

April 17, 2010

what i should be is much more difficult then i ever let on. honestly, ive been wasting my time AGAIN. i even gave a speech to myself yesterday saying that there arent any more excuses for me to be this way anymore. but yet again, i prove myself wrong. why? i may never know. but it sucks. because i know i can do better. i know im meant for better. yet i still choose this obviously wrong path to do the lazy thing and just waste away. its sad really. this kind of routine im doing is quite pathetic. and i really want to let it go. i dont know hwen i can do it. but i do know it should be soon. cuz there shouldnt be anyone talking at me. i should be able to do this myself. i dont need to have others constantly repeating what i know theyre going to say. i should get up, turn off the tv, go to my room, and just study. but its just not me. id rather use my time watching 90210 or one tree hill because its not reality. i can just leave this real world and be swept away by whats on that little black square. using up my time unproductively is not what i had in mind. its just theres so much that id rather do even if it seems lazy. cuz its just not important to me. wait lemme rephrase that. its not relevant to me and i dont SEE how important it actually is yet. i should by now. and i will definitely get to the bottom of this dumb phase im going through. say goodbye to anything distracting. as if i havent claimed that already. but i guess i wont see some stuff anymore. for example i will live on my email and my blog and that’ll be all. I SWEAR. i PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. I PROMISE. and i wonder how many times will i say it and itll actually go through my head.

on a sidenote (brain start functioning where you need to)

coffee and cigarettes

April 12, 2010

so put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere.

im so tired. so i guess i better make the most of this week. with studying at least. its just so frustrating to know that strings are always being pulled. they yank at my heart and its just not fair. it doesnt even make sense. its like where were you all this time. yea i might say that it wont affect me as much as other people but still. please tell me why you think this is the only solution. please explain to me why you wont change. im not saying change is easy. but it’s sure as hell the smarter thing to do. i cant care the way you want me to. because you dont care at all. when was the last time you “paid” attention to me? honestly when was the last time you paid attention to anyone but yourself. all you care about is money. and sad enough i know how important it is. but can you really make such a screwy decision because of it? do you really need to make such bullshit excuses to leave? because they are all useless words. they dont mean anything. you dont realize that you might be hurting someone. but did you ever care to try? i dont think so. back to the same thing. all you care about is money. and its pathetic. to get into arguments about it. because most people dont have to deal with these shitty issues. or maybe they do. but there is such thing as compromise. you just dont stay around long enough to know about it. fine. maybe you should just leave. because you spend money to leave anytime you want. and you dont listen. you may have the same characteristics as i do. but im not a shitty person. i have emotions. and i have a heart. and my selfishness doesnt reach this extent. if you really want to leave. you might as well. watch as none of us miss you. then how will you feel? will you regret your decisions? will you turn around and say sorry? will you stay instead? will you try to come back? this is only hypothetical but i dont want to live in this type of hell. it doesnt affect me anymore. because im just so used to it. isnt that sad to know that I am used to this type of environment. isnt it? cant you even try? and its pathetic. tthat the reason i dont ever want an established life, is because i want to turn out like you. i dont want to be selfish. i dont want to hurt people i love. i dont want to become a good for nothing robot with no heart. i dont want any of that. what do i want for my birthday? reconciliation. love. hope. truth. for no one to leave. for people to solve the fucking problems. for you to stop giving a damn about things that arent actually as imnportant. for me to be happy. for everyone to be happy. i want to be happy. hell im like 90% happy most of my life. but that 10%….i dont want it to feel empty. to think that im wasting all these words when i know you wont change. but i do hope that you prove me wrong. because i dont want to be right. i dont want for any of these things to happen. these theories are bullshit. and if they happen. god knows what i’ll do. i dont deserve this. we dont deserve this. im sorry. but take a step back and look into the mirror. do you see a normal human being? do you even see the pain you cause for others. do you even care about anyonee? tell me. where were you when your son needed help. your daughter. me. you werent there. sadly you still arent. i can barely feel your presence. you might be here. but you really arent. you arent involved with anything. and now you give a damn about me. now you want me to just try hard enough.

as ive said. im tired. and theres no use for me to try and solve this. its not my problem. its yours. and if you dont figure out something soon. you’ll be screwing your life over. i hope you realize that. not everyone will still be here after you leave. and for gods sake.. if you need to do it for 20 fucking more years…at least do it with a heart. dont let your son and daughter suffer for your mistakes. i already know what it feels like. if you put them through that shit. you have no idea whats in store for you. i dont even care if im disrespectful. because theres nothing youve done that has let me respect you. yea i know thats not right. respect for an elder is different. they dont have to “earn” it. but i find you a special case. why dont any of us truly care what you thinK? cuz you dont. so whats the reason for us listening to you. yeapp i hear you. bullshit again. because you need that respect even if we dont agree. why do you think i just nod my fucking head now. i dont argue. cuz i’ll just end up pulling reasons you know are legit but we’re tauruses. you’ll shrug it off. and maybe you should let go of your pride once in a while and say sorry. and say it like you mean it.