Archive for February, 2010

one day i will find you

February 28, 2010

I like boys that like to smile 
Laugh at themselves once in a while
That can sit and talk for hours 
Then in the morning pick me flowers
Boys that like to be very clean
That are never ever mean
And can tell a witty joke
Boys that do not like to smoke
One day I’ll find you, one day I’ll find you
I like boys that aren’t afraid of bugs
That will always give me big warm hugs
Like to sing and play guitar
That are happy being who they are
Boys that like to be outside
And that aren’t full of pride
Boys that have an honest passion
With at least a slight hint of fashion
I like boys that are funny and artistic
That are mostly optimistic
Boys that are not very lazy A little weird but not too crazy Boys that aren’t afraid to cry
And will always give a second try
And will try to do their best
I want a boy not like the rest

goodness i hella love this song. and jessica and i are going to record it later. hopefully tonight :]

2pms stuff hella freaks me out. i want to help. but i’m helpless. sometimes things are just that way. but i mean what can we do? i think a lot of the times we just have to hope things are ok. because eventually they’ll turn out ok.

i’ve just been taking into account what has happened over the weekend. i took my piano theory exam. i heard that i made a bunch of careless mistakes. it just sucks to know that that’s who i am. a careless person. i even hella cried about it. i talked to my mom yesterday. it was really nice. i haven’t had those types of uplifting conversations in a while. i dont know. sometimes i just wonder too much. i actually think i think too much. i thought i didn’t think enough. but apparently i’m so stressed that i can’t do anything correctly. obviously that isn’t one of the greatest things. so i really do have to prioritize. i mean it’s hard cuz i tend to like moving around a lot. but i understand and have realized that when i really sit myself down. like its completely study study time. with no distractions. put my ipod, my cellphone, the computer if its just really distracting tabs, i can totally get stuff done. now if i enjoyed doing those things it might make it a lot easier. but life was never supposed to be easy. nor is it.

there’s been a lot of accidents lately. it’s actually kind of scary. the ski accidents from my brother’s friend’s mom and my dad’s boss. the death of the xgames skier. the death of that actor in vancouver. the death of the trainer at seaworld. and the earthquake in chile. the disasters are creeping me out. my mom even told me about how this year is the tiger year. everything’s super aggressive. i didn’t realize how true this was. and now i just gotta make sure to not fall into any traps. yes it might sound a bit too superstitious for some people’s likings but still. i mean taking precautions isnt going to make things worse for me.

i was really happy yesterday when my mom told me that after i finish my piano exam i can go shopping. determined to do so. i really need shoes. there’s a lot of movies coming out soon. i’m interested :] yes i am. and i’m also worrying about school and the sats and just too much stress. i have the idea that i can get everything done. so priorities. put into a legit list.

LIST: numero uno for this week is do well on my piano exam. no exceptions whatsoever. practice practice practice. absolutely put my mind into it. no backouts or whatevers. alll focus. numero two is to ace my physics test or at least study hard for it this week. it’s going to be on thursday. so i still have a couple days. but it doesn’t mean any slacking off. i also have a history quiz on thursday about WWII. it’ll be ok considering we learned a lot of it last year. let’s hope i don’t make any careless mistakes on anything. numero trois is to finish my huck finn jim journals. those are due next monday so i gotta make sure it doesn’t interfere with anything. so if all goes well it’s celebration of happiness. for like a couple of days. where i now have to worry about number four which is actually legitly study for the sats. which means working on study habits. obviously that becomes a problem for me. because i tend to read things to fast. when i’m not concentrating i make TONS of mistakes that i know could be right if i actually payed attention carefully. i would know. every single time i correct my stuff the second time i choose the right answer. so that just means i’m not really dedicating my time. i’m just trying to get by. like my mom says. shes right. she said i was really lucky cuz i used to put in a certain amount of effort and i would know that i’d be fine. but now things are a little different. so that means there are different measures. different tests. different ways. so there’s gotta be a different me. a me that actually knows what she wants. a me that is willing to put herself out there and do well. a me that wants to be inspired and hardworking.

all i need now is to find the true me. and to not let anything get in my way. and so it begins. one day (preferably soon) i will find me

and we both go down together

February 25, 2010

i dont know why but after sophia told me i was going to expect something i was just curious. maybe the natural thing is to be curious. but i couldnt get over it. oh well. i will. haha at least there’s something different that is going to happen next week i think?

you know what confuses me. people who trust you can be different when they’re talking to you in person. i mean. like in public. it makes me wonder if all we can do is be deep online or something. i hope that’s not the case.

i have a bit homework today. literature. hi huck finn. go away 😛 anywhos. i have a piano theory exam on saturday. for some strange reason i think i’ll do ok. i mean. it’s probably going to be a bunch of stress that will result in a relaxing sensation. hmmm. i havent been doing anything for myself. well theory is for myself. so i guess that does mean i’ve been working.i took a french test today that i thought would be hella difficult. it was okay. and i’m glad that i studied. but i don’t know if i want to take french 4 next year. because the thing is i heard it’ll be very hard. and i don’t want to be a slacker and only take 4 classes. but still. should i suffer? should i let my grades down? probably not. hmm.

i’m kind of anticipating junior prom again. i guess it takes up some area of my mind. i’ve been looking for dresses. or ideas. and what sucks is i’m too much of a dreamer. i have crazy, unrealistic, and probably not conventional ideas for the dress. and style has always meant so much to me.

today i saw a girl in like BRIGHT yellow pumps. she had a matching belt and bag. i thought it was interesting. she kind of looked like a bumble bee. but i mean. i know its rude. but i had a laugh. cuz i mean. things like that are supposed to give you kind of a shocker or somewhat of the sort. i realized when i look at my wall i see hella gifts from friends. or just other people. i have a caricature of me from taiwan. sophia’s artwork from christmas. karen’s christmas letter. and her lyrics thingy that i don’t know how to explain. i dont know. i feel loved when i look at those things. for some odd reason.

well i should probably get back to doing my work. so sayonara. i will see you later :]

i dont really know who i am

February 24, 2010

 

i don’t understand anything. i really don’t and that bothers me. why can’t i even understand why i’m like this today. i feel so out of it. i’m not in the mood to talk to people. maybe it’s a good thing to be secluded sometimes. loneliness is only loneliness when you feel lonely. i want to think. but lately i realized i’ve been too caught up in random things, not giving me a chance to breathe. this doesn’t make sense at all. and when that happens we always go back to the same question WHY? i don’t think it’s fair. how i’m stuck here questioning. i’m thinking too big but i’m also spending my time on nothing. i am wasted. not in the literal sense. but i’m a washed up soul. not willing to put in effort. i don’t give crap about anything. now maybe that’s not true. but it sure feels that way sometimes. i honestly believe that my future isnt within my grasp. i want to say it does. i truly do. how long will this feeling last? how long will i live in confusion. this isn’t fun. not at all. all i know is that i musn’t give up now. i’m not planning to. but i do wish that my life would turn around or change at the snap of my fingers. my thoughts are all jumbled together that i’m not quite sure what i want to or even need to say. i haven’t wrote like this in a long time. i think my problem is that i’m trying to do too many things, resulting in getting nothing done at all. which is an aching feeling. it’s raw though. all the way to the core. i can guarantee that i fi dont’ change, this feeling will last too long. the lists that i make, they always end in nonrealistic things, and even though they seem sort of impossible, i’m supposed to set more short-term goals to reach it. so i guess that’s my goal at the moment. the odd thing is that i live in reality more than others. i have an idea what i want but the thing is i’m scared of getting tired of stuff. my personality doesn’t agree with anything. i’m loyal. but at the same time i don’t wanna be attached. i’m always telling people to love themselves. why can’t i take my own advice? but the weird thing is that i do, actually. i honestly don’t know myself. i wish i did. why are the lines so blurred. it should be obvious. black and white. i guess its too early to say so. of course i’m going to have to see and really evaluate myself. i just tend to agree with what people say i am. or if they say certain thing, i’ll ask “am i really?” or something to that extent. is it really this way? i think i’m not in touch with who i am. i understand some aspects but some are unclear. i know that i am stubborn and i usually think that i’m right. i’m actually not stupid, just a bit lazy. i like doing things secretly kind of. i’m gradually becoming more conservative. i loev shoes, clothes, and material things. but that doesn’t mean i’ll buy those things for myself. i’m actually more giving. but i’m quite selfish and here i am again contradicting myself. this hella doesn’t make sense. i like being happy but i wonder if there is such a thing as pure happiness. i mean someone who is purely happy. i want that for myself. i’m not satisfied with pretending to be happy. i know that i’m a happy person. i’m talkative. i like people a lot. but now i question. am i annoying? the way my parents and my sister thinks so. i really hope not. maybe i should be more mysterious or cautious of what i say. maybe its naivete. i don’t want to wear a mask so i share everything. but that upper surface becomes overcrowded doesnt it? i think it sort of does. nobody wants to know everything about one person. it ruins interest. it destroys the meaning of learning something new about someone. doesn’t it become habitual? how does this let others try to solve or discover who you really are. how am i supposed to let others know me better than i knkow myself? this is so confusing. but at least i’m getting somewhere. i’m starting to think i’m a bit shallow. pretending to be thoughtful. that’s terrible. or maybe i’m just coming up with a way to hate on myself. or to fill up space. i’m a nice person. but i think that because i’m really forward or at least i try to be, it hurts others. and the thing is i don’t want to love anyone. because people leave. i know its supid to say so. like aar says “i don’t ever wanna believe, i don’t ever wanna believe, that when we die, that we all leave.” i guess i’m hoping that love isn’t required. you can love someone without it becoming a burden or that of the sort. i know that time will come. but i also know that time surprises people. it can do the randomest things. things that are hurtful. things that blind the truth. makes you want to start over. there’s different forms of love too. i love my family. i love my friends. so what is differentiating that from the other times of love. is it artificial? is it something we create to let others have hope and something to believe in? hoping someone is thinking of you. i guess that’s the point. that’s the reason for so much. we aren’t all going to be the same in our beliefts. there’s no one way to love someone. to love yourself. to love on instinct. without push. without pressure. without expectations.

i dont know who i am. i dont understand it. and it hurts when you dont know who you are. because it just leaves this empty and blank feeling inside you.

and i’ve decided that i want to go to prom with friends. i don’t want to wait to be asked. i think i just might buy my own bid. because the thing is. i want to have fun. i don’t want pressure. that’s the last thing i want. yes they might make you feel special when you are asked. but i don’t want obligations. it shouldn’t have to be that way anyways. i can make myself feel special. and friends are there forever. it’ll be more worth it. so that’s it. i’m ok.

February 23, 2010

shit i just realized i have a math test tomorrow :[ DAMNIT but its ok we have a notecard. it should be ok. goodness i have to hella study for french. i’ll update you later wordpress!!

odd findings

February 22, 2010

feeling ok today. i’m just really not in the mood to do school. i enjoyed last week. olympics and fun :] awwwwww but it’ll be ok. i actually got really excited talking about jp today. i mean i also did some thinking. am i really that picky? that kinda bothers me. like i wish i was able to be content with a lot. hmmm and i don’t wanna be high maintenance either. i’m just hoping that it isn’t going to be like this. maybe i take it back. i just think for me. displays of affection isnt really my thing. and even if its just a bouquet of flowers or chocolate why do i have to look at it negatively? maybe i’m just expecting something different. or exciting. new. adventurous. who knows? i hope i learn to cope with this situation. i am not going to be that picky. it’s just inconsiderate too. besides that my piano theory exam is coming up soon. i have like 5 days left to study. you know i actually understand theory, it’s just too much work. and logic isnt my forte so that’s probably why i’m not a fan. i’m going to start working on the designs for the fashion show. i’ve already got this really awesome idea down. i hope that it’ll turn out well. so we have an exchange student at our school. he asked if he knew anyone could host him. i asked my mom. she said no. but that’s ok. i’m hoping one year i can host a student from taiwan or like korea or europe. i don’t know. but obviously it has to be a girl. or my parents wouldn’t ever allow it. sat’s are on my mind too. i have 75 days left to study. that seems like a lot but that doesn’t mean i’m going to slack off. i don’t really want some personality test to tell me what i am. if i know it that means i’m going to change. the first part is admitting it right? ijust have to make sure that this is nnot going to become the thing where i say it but not come through. i really don’t want it to be this type of moment. it’s just too tiring to keep up. so no matter how many times i have said that i will change and become hardworking. i truthfully want to do it. i’m not going to back out on my word. i really, really want to. because i need to be able to prove to myself that i have dedication. i am motivated. i am.

OHFREAKINGEMGEE

February 16, 2010

i’m so fucking pissed right now. it doesnt even make sense. freaking a. i just wanna like throw something at the wall. what the hell. tell me to go shut up cuz im annoying. ok fine i’ll do that. but i think that i shouldnt have to change my better personality to suit your needs. i’m hyper a lot of the times. i’m happy most of the times. thank goodness. would you guys really rather me hole up in room cutting myself and wanting and ATTEMPTING to commit suicide? i think not. yet you’re telling me to shut up. how does that make sense? please explain that to me. cuz i would gladly like to know. so you tell me to go listen to my music. yepp listened to it. yea it was actually really releasing. thank god. but no. suddenly i turn my music up too loud. and it’s freaking you fucking guys out. so where do i stand now? am i supposed to just listen to you? well i guess i did. cuz i didn’t want to deal with shit. so i didnt deal with shit. and now i’m mad as hell. because you have no right. i’m trying to listen to music to calm my nerves and get away from it all. it shut me up too. now you just want to me stop? LIKE SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?

i know this is the childest thing to rant about. but i’m tired of getting toldd what  to do about the stupidest things. like what gives you the right to do so? seriously? nothing does. really nothing. and its my life. my freaking music. why cant i do what i pleasE? but then again this is the real world. and i’ve come to the conclusion long ago that life isn’t fair. but that doesnt mean i’m going to stop standing up for myself and just give in to you. because that’s not who i am. i’m not some fucking coward. i have thoughts. i have a brain. i have a life. and that is not going to be taken away by anyone.

You entered: jocelyn wu

There are 9 letters in your name.
Those 9 letters total to 38
There are 3 vowels and 6 consonants in your name.
 
What your first name means:

Latin Female Happy.
Hebrew Female Supplanter.
German Male One of the Goths. Introduced into Britam as a masculine name during the Norman Conquest, Jocelyn was adopted as a feminine first name in the early 20th century.
German Female One of the Goths.
French Male Medieval male name adopted as a feminine name.
French Female Medieval male name adopted as a feminine name.
English Female Playful.

Your number is: 11

The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.

The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.

The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.

The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5

A Soul Urge number of 5 means:
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.

In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.

You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don’t want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 6

An Inner Dream number of 6 means:
You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.

i can’t wait

February 9, 2010

how it happens i don’t care. if it’s raining or what i wear. a note today is taking me where i’m meant to be. doesn’t matter where i go with my boy shoes or my rockstar phone. i’m waiting for a friend to call or the rain to fall. life goes by. who knows why? i can’t wait for the world to spin. i can’t wait to be happenin’. oh what’s it gonna take. i can’t wait for my time to come. when i’ll be shining like the sun. i can’t wait.

gosh i remember when i was in love with that song. so many years ago. probably when i was like 9 years old? goodness i loved hilary duff. i still do. this song puts me in a good mood. it makes me see things more positively. so what is it? i don’t understand myself. i’m such a flawed person. i can’t seem to find the reason why. lately i’ve been doing better in school and that makes me hecka happy. but what is it? i feel so bland and empty. when i know this shouldn’t be. hopefully this feeling is filled. i actually relaly can’t wait until senior year. i keep repeating that to myself. i still know what i want. i just don’t know if this road is worth taking. maybe i will become a fashion designer. maybe i won’t. maybe i’ll become a korean talk show host which i really want to do. maybe i won’t. life is odd in that way. we always have so many options but the sad thing is that nothing is definite. i guess that’s also what makes life beautiful. i mean if everything had an answer we wouldn’t be searching would we? would we even try? probabbly not. i just want that little hole to be filled. i think words do get in the way. they really do. we always hide our inner feelings. and when we do explode on them, it hurts people. in ways you wouldn’t realize. and nothing gets solved. this problem isn’t about me. it usually would be but i’m not upset. i’m happy in an empty way.

i can’t wait for break. i can’t wait for chinese new year. i can’t wait for valentine’s day (i dont know why), i can’t wait for march 1 (the day we choose our classes for next year), i can’t wait for junior prom, i can’t wait for spring break, i can’t wait for my birthday, i can’t wait till everything falls into place. i can’t wait for the fashion show. i can’t wait for anything and everything :]

uh huh

February 4, 2010

goodness gracious. i’m slightly stressed. i have a piano recital on saturday which i have not practiced for at all. i have a physics test tomorrow. i hate science and physics so lets just hope that i will do well. i have to finish my friend’s birthday gift. and that’ll take some time. i have to finish all my homework. thankfully i did my huck finn reading just now. it’s actually kind of interesting. but anywhos. today was an interesting day. i cannot believe we had a fire drill during lunch. it was so weird. the first time i ever experienced one like that. and then during that time i hella wanted to leave. i can’t wait for senior year. only 5 classes and i get to go home. i’m seriously anticipating that. what else happened today? it rained again. gosh the earth is moody. it’s cuz we’re polluting too much. next monday there’s a meeting for junior prom. i actually can’t wait for that. i really do hope i get asked. i don’t show it cuz i tend to be independent. and i do want to go with someone but at the same time i don’t. and sadies is in two weeks. my friends are all really excited for it. i’m actually more excited for them than myself. swon has a lot planned i know that for sure. she’s so adorable when she’s in love with juno. i don’t know. all i can do is be happy for her. because i finally realized that he’s a really nice and outgoing guy. maybe it was just because he was too shy before so i couldn’t really even know him. but now i think i want to be friends with him because of swon. even though she is doing quite stalkerish things lately. ive been really obssessed with epik high lately. god his lyrics. their lyrics. are amazing. i’m speechless a lot of the times. i don’t know where they get that talent. how they do? it’s shocking. i should probably start on my homework. maybe a couple more minutes though.

i haven’t done anything different about my life. maybe i’ve changed my room a little bit and my habits, so i’m not as dirty. LOL. but i wish i could be more bold with it. i really need to find a balance. i’m lagging everything out and it’s not cool considering i have like no time for myself. i want time for myself. so i’ve changed to the may sats. i’m going to do well then. by that time there’s nothing i’m really thinking about. nothing that i truly desire. see if i take the march ones then i will miss out on a good midyear/winter break in like two weeks. i probably wont be able to go to sadies. dont know if i want to either but still. and then prom is in march. and my piano stuff is this month and march. so it’s just better if i do it in may. and then i’ll just take sat 2s in june or something. then i’ll have the summer to work and just have fun annd get ready for college apps.

wow so i think this is what i’m going to do. i’m going to set up a schedule on wordpress everyday. so i’ll follow it

from 6:30 to 6:50 i will finish my french homework. then i’ll have dinner, probably around 30 minutes or so. then i will do my math hw for about 30 minutes or so. then i will go exercise. afterwards is shower. then i will finish studying for physics. then i will finish my friend’s birthday gift. i think that sounds pretty good. ok i’m going to go get started!!!!!!!

today

February 2, 2010

today was bland, i guess you could say. there is one thing though. i yelled again. gosh what is wrong with me. i constantly have this attitude that i cant change. but honestly i think its not my fault completely. because people choose to provoke me. they choose to judge me before they know my story. but that’s the way life is right? so i should just deal with it. i realized i’m better at solving problems by myself than when people give me advice. i’ll listen to it but i’ll never use it. unless it’s like adivce from my mom or sister. or maybe at the moment i only listen to myself.

anywhos. besides that i ahvent done much. i went to volunteer at the library today. it was pretty ok. a little lonely but that’s alright.

i walked home with my sister in the rain today. fun fun right? i took a nap. there really isn’t much going on. besides the fact that i couldnt watch my life as liz bums me out though. i made my friends birthday gift partially. i should probably finish that. i don’t really understand physics at the moment. which is quite sucky because i have a test on thursday. how lame. but itll be fine.

so world? what do you have in store for me?