Archive for January, 2010

pathetic

January 28, 2010

this is really sad. i can’t even believe myself. what the hell? “take your shit and go to your room” really? really? is that what’ll you’ll say to me. most of the fucking time i am thankful for you. i am really grateful and i try to express it in every way that i can. but there are so many times when your words just affect me. like seriously? your daughter can’t take it. you have no idea every singly time you say something negative about i just want to crawl into a corner and cry. right now i am fucking crying. happy? you got your wish. this sucks like hell. it’s as if you don’t believe in me whatsoever. every single time. the same lines pop up over and over again. yes make the damn schedule. set up short term and long term goals. is it really that difficult to do? yes it is. my fucking god it is. it’s hard. you don’t realize the pressure i have. and that’s cuz i don’t show it. i don’t even want to tell my best friends about this stupid ass problem that’s not even that big of deal. but i’m still crying. i still am. and you know what? most of the time i pick myself back up and shove this stupid incident to the side. most of the time i just regret what i do and try to be better. i’m always looking back and thinking i was wrong. there really hasn’t been any incident where i felt right about something. because seriously? all you know how to do is make me feel bad. yea the good comes too and those times are the best. i know you guys don’t pressure me a lot. but by always being so negative towards me it actually affects me. you know why? because i’m a happy person. i live to be happy. but it’s really hard to do that when i’m constantly feeling like i’m at the edge of a cliff. it hurts. and it really does make me think even lower of myself. i know i’m not a bad person. i know i’m not. but each time i do something even slightly wrong, i feel like i’m the most worst, most hideous person in the world. that’s not what anyone is supposed to feel. and i know this isn’t even fair for me to say because so many other people deal with problems far worse than mine. mine is minor. i just can’t seem to stop crying. it’s not fair. i’m so pathetic. i don’t want to feel this way. and even more so. i’m so pathetic that i won’t even tell my friends. cuz they don’t deserve me ranting about stupid ass things. it’s not even worth a second of their time. and yes they are my best friends. which is why i don’t want to tell them. there always there for me. why can’t i just learn to get over these kinds of things and actually improve myself? all i do is wallow in my sadness. how depressing. i really do feel like shit sometimes. my outer appearance is always happy. because there’s too much sadness in the world for more. we should all be happy. but how can one stay happy without being affected. it’s quite difficult i must say. it is one of the hardest things to deal with. and not even that. it’s not like i’m dealing with extremely hard situations or problems or whatever. all i have to do is deal with sat. and piano. and that’s basically it. but apparently they’d give up on me if i don’t do well. yea money’s important. i guess more important than other things. and this just makes me upset. i’m done crying now. but my face is still wet. i probably look hideous. but you know what? we all have rough days. i just have to get over this asshole of a problem. NOW.

planning

January 20, 2010

i started to do some planning for my art projects. i havent completed it yet but it’s on its way. hopefully this time i won’t become lazy and not finish it. my goal is to finish all of these things. my list of things to do hasn’t been moving much because i can’t think of anything. it’s hard cuz it’s like you want to be realistic but it’s a constant dream. so i don’t know how i’ll hold to that.

today was pretty good. i was in a pretty decent mood and me and my friend sophia were really happy. talking about 2pm LOL. but that was some of it. it rained again. maybe not as scary as yesterday but this storm is taking a lot of time…i want to wake up early tomorrow morning so i can study for sats or draw or something. but it never seems to work. i always wake up late.

today in history class, we did this really awesome stock market thing. i know it doesn’t sound that cool when i put it like that. but it was fun. i earned over $195 from what i originally had. nice nice right? haha well i had fun.

besides that i really didn’t do much today. i did go to my tutoring class and my tutor gave me this really awesome blog about music. it’s so chill. i’m so happy. my tutor and i both think it’d be so awesome to be talk show hosts. how sick would that be? i really want to one day. i’ve been watching a lot of youtube videos. randomly from hongki to heechul to shinee to 2pm to everything. hahah :] crazy obssession. hopefully it won’t take over my complete life.

i wonder if my sister is a bit mad at me. i think it’s cuz i told her that she shouldn’t use the computer so much. i just want her to be more productive in other things. i don’t know. i should give her more freedom. this is so fun. i don’t even know why. just talking on this blog makes me feel better about myself. i think it’s just because it’s easier to type. probably the reason i  never could keep a journal.

i had a really odd dream last night. haha it made my friends and i laugh. but hopefully i have a pretty chill-ish dream. that’d be really nice. or even RADICAL.

ps. maybe i should have a word of the day. no how bout video of the day? or like song of the day? or all?

easiness

January 19, 2010

i’m feeling pretty good right now. i just watched my life as liz and the buried life and these two tv shows are actually good. like they’re kind of inspiring me to do what i’m going to post in a couple sentences later. it’s really amazing what some tv can do to you. it’s not lame and artificial. it’s rather beautfiul in quriky ways.

so what i’ve decided to do is that i want to make a list of things to do in high school. and at least every day i need to do one thing purely for myself and one for someone else. i think it’s what i need to do. i want to be satisfied with my life. and not throw it all away. there’s no use in that. looking on the brightside and thinking bigger will help me. i’m not the center of the world. though i do live in a little world of my own, there should be days where i’m not focused on myself but rather the world. rather the outside that has been dealing with more problems than i have been.

i’ve got to get started on my homework, but i don’t have much to do. it’s raining like hell today. it’s crazy. there was some lightning and thunder too. that part was pretty cool. my best friend gave me the atl mtv unplugged cd today. for no apparent reason. god i love her. i love all my friends. and my family. i guess i don’t say it enough.

now time for some deep thinking. i wonder what i have to offer. i’m so empty sometimes and i want to improve myself. so i’ll start asking questions more often. maybe they aren’t always relevant but i’ve got to do some thinking.

let’s talk about rain. i like discussing weather for some odd reason. people find it as a subject that is for people to converse on like any level. maybe not necessarily someone that close. but it’s something deeper than that. how come the rain can cause so many poets to write about it? why does it possess such a strong emotion? some people become really happy in the rain. some become the opposite. i’m kind of neutral. but it’s amazing what weather can do to affect your mood.

my friends gave me their winter formal pics today. they’re beautiful. honestly, i have such good looking friends TEEHEE. but it’s true and i’m not going to hide it. i gessoed my canvas today. hopefully i can start painting soon. i was supposed to wake up this morning to study for sats. guess who failed at doing that…..haha well i have tomorrow. and tonight to do some studying. speaking of which, i should probably do my homework. well i’ll be back later to post my list.

but i just want to speak my mind before i sit in a daze :]

hmm…

January 18, 2010

i’m almost done with all of my homework. hopefully i can finish it up so i can study for the sats. i’m feeling more and more stressed which i guess is sort of what i asked for. a little pressure. piano is going to kill me. i do not want to take another exam. but i think that if i work hard it’ll be fine. my previous blocking of websites only work on weekdays. i started youtubing and tumblring a bit. and i guess i just can’t help it. i am quite obsessed with 2AM and BEG. or maybe it’s just jokwon. but still. i need to work hard to learn a bunch of languages. i’m also considering to start some more art projects. today i played this song on the piano by 2am. i loved it. it’s awesome. we bought a tv. it’s huge. freakin 52 inches. seriously. hahaha :] but i’m happy. i’m a little tired. but all i can do is hope for the better right? i don’t know how i’m supposed to just wallow in sadness. it doesn’t do much for me. but being happy all the time can become wearisome. i need to find a balance. in everything. not just school. but in life. in family. in friendship. i went to national portfolio day on saturday in san francisco. it was really overwhelming. i mean, i already decided that i don’t want to completely pursue a career in art, but still i felt very miniscule. the art there was really amazing. i loved the campus too. it was big. my sister wants to go there. and she decided that she wants to move to san francisco once she goes to college.

i should probably do my history homework. the weather today was crazy. raining insanely. it literally pounded on our windows and the wind shook the trees.

my skin’s a little messed up today. i think i should probably go take care of it. i had tuna this morning. and apparently i set my alarm and i woke up early. but today we didn’t have school. so after i realized that i fell back asleep for an hour.

this is relaxing. in a really weird way. can’t believe it though. time is passing really fast.

future

January 14, 2010

i ‘ve decided to cut off all my internet except for yahoo, google, and wordpress. i have too many distractions.

what did i do today? today i had this assignment in french. it’s about the future and where we see ourselves years from now. i still have to figure those things out but during school my friends and i sat down during lunch and just talked about the future. it’s so close and i just want to be a little worried. but it doesn’t feel that way. my motivation is lacking and that bothers me. i worded it wrong when i said i wanted to be stressed to my friends.  what i want is a reason to keep going. i want to prove myself to me. i want to pick myself up and keep going. i just don’t have the ambition or drive to do it. i’m really lazy. and that sucks. i need to change. and saying it won’t make a difference. so i have to make choices and moves that will help me. that will make me improve myself. that will cause me to make a difference in my life. there isn’t time for me to sit and not do anything. although i’m not exactly sure where i’m headed, i hope that things will be fine. hopefully i can turn this around before it’s too late.

i feel a little better. i’m just rambling but this makes me feel relieved. i can talk about anything here.

you know when you have phases of possession of some celebrity or drama or interest? i think i’ve grown up. i don’t have that. there’s only a sense of admiration. i don’t love them, because i don’t know them. i am proud of all those people. i’m completely amazed by the things they do and the ways they can make me laugh. there’s just no sense of “owning” them or like knowing them first. cuz in the end they don’t love us any differently.

in this world i want to design my path. i want to be able to communicate with a bunch of people. i want to be socializing constantly. i want to make people look good. i want to share what i know.

i want to LIVE my DREAM with no FEAR.

ambition?

January 14, 2010

there’s a fire in the city that’s burning out tonight and you’re breathing but you’re barely alive. -blg

i’ve been thinking about letting myself become the best i can be. i’m not trying. nor does it seem like i want to at the moment. why? i have no idea. i really want to prove myself to me, but i can’t seem to do it. i know i have much more to offer but it seems as if i’m going nowhere. i waste my time when i can dedicate it to something important. listening to this song just makes me feel vulnerable. i don’t feel alive. i want to be though. i want to do well. i have dreams i want to follow. there are ambitions that have yet been discovered. i just need to find something that will work for me. i’ve made plans but i’m not even working towards them. there’s so much i need to do and time’s running out. this means that i’ve got change. there’s no room for me to slack off anymore. there really isn’t. i have to start now. and there’s no turning back afterwards. there really isn’t. i need to conquer so many things. SAT you’re the first on my list. grades are after. piano exam, i’m coming after you. art and fashion and anything relative to you is on my list too.

i had a weird ass dream last night.. and all i could think about is how weird it was. it was so not normal. and i haven’t dreamt in a while so having this kind of dream isn’t that wonderful. i need a sign. something to show me that i can do this.

inspiration. you need to fall into my hands. NOW.

My World

January 14, 2010

this is going to be something to relieve my stress in. a daily journal that involves all my thoughts and probably random clippings of lyrics and art and fashion and stuff.

this is going to be my little world. i am jocelyn and i’m here to express everything in me.